Forum: Advice to young adults, focus on your best ‘person’

By Ron Friesen / Herald Forum

What does “being a man” mean today? My 18-year-old grandson is graduating from high school this year, and we have talked about this.

It is a confusing time for young men in our culture today, and there are so many conflicting ideas, perhaps more for men than women. If you are already thinking, “cringe,” let me assure you that this is about being a person first, with gender considerations after.

The problems I faced growing up were because those two considerations were reversed. Identity was based on gender first, and who you were as a person, second.

In my very typical 1950s and ’60s home, Dad was the breadwinner, and Mom the homemaker who changed the diapers, cooked the meals, and kept the house spotless. Dad was in charge; Mom obeyed. They both thought that was who they were supposed to be from the way they were raised.

But then I came along and grew up in the late ’60s when such assumptions were being confronted. Gender norms first was slowly being put into second place as one’s personhood became more and more important.

Many in my generation, and those to follow, have recognized how important this is and continue to grow as a person, not just as a man or woman. But now, when we need to focus on being the best person we can be for ourselves, our family, our community and our country, we have devolved to gender identity first. Again.

As a person, we need people to be helpful, caring and respectful. I became a teacher because I saw how important a good education was to becoming the best person we can be. A man might do things differently than a woman, just as any person of any gender might. But the outcomes will ultimately compliment each other to the benefit of all.

That’s the point! People trying to be their best selves complement each other! They do not conflict with each other. Yes, there can be disagreements as efforts are made to understand. But conflict? No. Conflict only happens when the “me first” monster rears it’s ugly head.

The clothes you wear, the “look” you try to achieve, the career you want to pursue, and your gender doesn’t really matter. The only thing that truly matters is the person you want to be. Human “being” first, and human “doing” second. Gender roles come in a distant third.

So the question for my grandson is not, “What does it mean to be a man?” or, “What do you want to do with your life?” The only question is, ”Who do you want be?” Then the question for Grandpa becomes, “How can I help?”

In my ideal world, this is how our churches, schools, communities and governments would work. In today’s world, where narcissism and the resulting conflicts are the rule instead of the exception, my tendency is to want to resist and join the conflict to combat all the bad stuff going on. It doesn’t work, and it doesn’t help.

So what does help? All of us doing our best to become our best selves; not based on competition or a role or gender identity; but based on being helpful, caring, and respectful.

We cannot expect this from others first, then we will join. Each one of us has to be the leader. Then we can all make the difference we need in our chaotic country and world. So, most of all, thank you for being.

Ron Friesen is a Marysville resident, a retired music teacher and community and church musician and is committed to community improvement.