Congressional hunger games

Published 10:11 pm Thursday, August 1, 2013

Looks good enough to eat: House Republicans are preparing a bill that could cut as much as $4 billion each year from the federal food stamp program by tightening rules for eligibility.

Among the changes: Building on the Reagan Administration’s determination in the 1980s that ketchup is a vegetable, the GOP’s new food stamp program will save money by classifying pictures of ketchup as a vegetable.

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Because Oscar Mayer was already taken? New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner acknowledged for the first time that he used the pseudonym “Carlos Danger” in his texts to a 23-year-old woman.

Weiner, D-Pixelated, didn’t explain why he chose the name, but he did confirm that Twitter rejected his first choice: “Carlos Dangler.”

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Chill, dudes: Researchers who analyzed 60 earlier studies on war, the collapse of empires and violent crime say they have found a correlation between aggression and warmer temperatures. The researchers said heart rates and other physical responses are elevated when temperatures rise, leaving people more prone to violence.

Further proof: The mere mention of “global warming” was found to elicit rage, reddened faces and incoherent expletives among climate-change deniers.

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