Grief over a loved one can feel intense during holidays

Published 1:30 am Saturday, December 17, 2016

Like many others, my holidays are tinged with sad memories.

When I was 13, my beloved grandmother who lived with us, died suddenly of a heart attack two weeks before my birthday, which happens to fall on December 26. That year, both my birthday and the holiday were touched with sadness and loss.

When I was 28, my brother was killed by a drunk driver. The last time I saw him was over the Christmas holiday.

And during our annual holiday gathering just three years ago, my mother had a heart attack that ultimately brought her to the end of her life two months later.

These personal losses are not so unusual. I am a member of a very large club of adults who have experienced loss near the winter holiday period.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, deaths traditionally spike in the winter months. There are significantly more heart attacks between Christmas and New Year’s.

There may be several reasons for this increase in mortality during the holiday season.

Some individuals may delay getting medical help because they are so busy with holiday preparations. Other factors may include eating heavy meals, extra stress and the arrival of the flu season. Automobile accidents tend to peak around holidays too — often related to imbibing too much alcohol.

It also seems that some very ill adults seem to wait until after the holiday’s to pass away. This is harder to quantify or fully understand, but it’s often observed by families.

Mary’s husband Sam died last summer. Married for 45 years, it been an enormous loss for her and her family. While they have always enjoyed Christmas, this will be the “first” one without Sam. It’s hard for Mary not to think about his empty seat at the head of a long table.

The first holiday after a loss, whether expected or unexpected, is a big adjustment for families. The holiday highlights the loss of a loved one. It can trigger a wave of grief and sadness that we wish did not accompany a normally cheerful and happy time.

So how can we cope with holiday-related grief?

Grieving is a natural part of life. We will all experience loss in our lifetime. Grieving these losses is natural and healthy. People often believe that grief lasts a year, but in actuality, we never stop missing loved ones. Indeed, we may miss them even more as time passes by, much like missing an old friend that we haven’t seen for years.

Grief comes in waves. Even though my brother passed away over 35 years ago, I can still experience a wave of intense sorrow. Sometimes I am unsure of what triggered these intense emotions. Watching a movie, reading a news article, or his birthday may set off a small or large wave of sadness. It’s generally brief, but still strong.

Acknowledge your feelings. Sometimes family members anticipating their “first” holiday without their loved one try to sweep their sad feelings under the rug. They try not to talk about their family member, despite the fact that everyone is thinking of him. Better to take some time to express these feelings. Recalling memories can be healing and healthy too.

Nurture coping skills. Finding a way to express your feelings is helpful. Soothe yourself with hot baths, massage, flowers, exercise and quiet time. I focus on practicing meditation and Tai Chi when I feel sad — not as way to avoid my feelings, but as a way to experience them and transform them into something else.

Avoid use of alcohol or drugs as a way of escaping sadness during the holiday season. Overeating, especially sugary foods, can be an unhealthy way of coping with sadness too.

The holidays can be sweet and salty. This Thanksgiving, Mary shed some tears over Sam’s absence. But she also felt love and support from her family that was present. She was able to experience both emotions. When we can acknowledge and accept our sad feelings, we are more likely to be able to experience love and joy.

Dr. Paul Schoenfeld is director of The Everett Clinic’s Center for Behavioral Health. His Family Talk blog can be found atwww.everettclinic.com/family-talk-blog.