Be present with your children when spending time with them

Published 1:30 am Sunday, July 23, 2017

When my daughters were little, I had two important realizations that changed the course of my parental life.

I realized that their childhood was going to fly by, like a flash of lightning in a summer sky. Before I knew it, they would be out of our nest. And, I recognized, that as a full-time working parent, that my moments with them would be limited. Like most parents, I had to balance work, parenthood, household responsibilities — in other words, the laundry list of life. How was I going to approach this time-limited opportunity?

In that moment, I made several major parental decisions. And I stuck with them for their entire childhood.

Be 100 percent present when with them. What does that mean? It meant that when I was reading Maya a good-night story, I would strive to have 100 percent of my attention on what I was doing — not 10 percent on the story, 40 percent on what I was going to do tomorrow and 50 percent on what I was going to do next. When I spent those moments with them — no matter how mundane — I wanted to be fully present.

Savor all of the moments of their childhood. This was another very conscious decision. I wanted to drink deeply of all of those everyday moments of their childhood, to experience them deeply, and to engrave them in my mind and my heart. I wanted to focus on enjoying all of my limited time with them.

Spend time with each child individually every week. I wanted to make sure that in addition to family time together, I had an opportunity to connect with each child individually. At first, I wasn’t sure how to do this. Then I realized that I could arrange my life to take each daughter out for breakfast before I left for work.

When they were little, I took Naomi out for a doughnut and cocoa before pre-school. On another weekday morning, I would take Maya out for a bagel before elementary school. We did this regularly for most of their childhood. I did miss some weeks, but I made sure to make it a regular commitment.

Sometimes during these brief encounters (kids don’t take very long to eat) we just stared at each other, eyes still heavy from sleep. Other times, we had deeply important conversations about the important but passing challenges of childhood. (Why won’t Sarah play with me anymore?) During their teen years, the conversations were often brief — and then sometimes very long.

These early morning breakfasts together became a regular part of our routine. I looked forward to them every week, and so did they. They were always one-on-one time with each daughter.

I don’t think I was 100 percent present during every moment of their childhood. And, I don’t think I remembered to savor every second. And, yes, I did miss many breakfast opportunities with each daughter over the course of their childhoods.

But, somehow, I always remembered to come back to these three intentions. I did savor so much of their fleeting childhoods! I engraved so many of them in my memory — in my heart and my mind. Naomi racing across blacktop on her first solo bike ride; long talks with Maya sitting on her bedroom floor; their laughter in the back seat while driving them to dance classes; rubbing Naomi’s back when she woke up in the middle of the night — and many of the small and big moments of childhood.

Naomi read this column and commented:

“As the proud daughter of (Paul) Schoenfeld, I can say that my father’s dedication made a significant difference in my life as a child, and now as an adult. Wednesday was our day, and throughout my childhood every Wednesday was filled with French toast, bagels, hot chocolate and, later, lattes. I greatly valued this special time that he spent with me. While my father mentioned that he missed some breakfast dates, I don’t remember those ones. I remember him promising that he would be there and him being there — that is what mattered the most. I know that when I am a parent, my children and I will be doing Wednesday breakfasts — cinnamon rolls and all!”

Paul Schoenfeld is director of The Everett Clinic’s Center for Behavioral Health. His Family Talk blog can be found atwww.everettclinic.com/family-talk-blog.