The Buzz: Bring Mom a laugh with her breakfast in bed
Published 1:30 am Saturday, May 12, 2018
By Jon Bauer and Mark Carlson
Herald staff
One of the great advantages to writing a column like this is it saves us from having to buy a Mother’s Day card. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!
On to the week that wasn’t:
Patience, Mr. Veep, patience: Vice President Mike Pence urged special counsel Robert Mueller to conclude his investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election. “I think it’s time to wrap it up,” Pence said on NBC’s “Today” show.
Not betraying the internal monologue in his head, Pence thought to himself: “Goodness, Mr. Mueller, Mother and I figured I would have been sworn into the Oval Office by now. How much more on that vile man do you need?”
Bonus punchline: The veep’s a bit premature here. When expressed in the standard time measurement for investigations, Mueller’s probe hasn’t even completed its first Benghazi Unit.
A winning strategy: President Trump announced that the much-anticipated summit between himself and North Korean President Kim Jong-Un would take place June 12 in Singapore. Trump has credited the “maximum pressure” he placed on Kim for persuading him to come to the negotiation table.
Building on that success, Trump is said to be busy crafting new insults for “Little Rocket Man” that will finally break Kim’s desire to build a nuclear arsenal.
Maybe it’s at the cleaners? Los Angeles Police are investigating the disappearance of the original Iron Man suit worn by Robert Downey Jr. in the Rocket Man and Avengers movies.
“They can have it back when I’m done using it to intimidate ‘Little Rocket Man’ in Singapore,” said the president. “I did have to let it out a bit.”
Iran, Iran so far away: President Trump, as expected, announced that he was ending U.S. participation in the Iran nuclear deal negotiated in part by the Obama administration and would restore harsh economic sanctions against Iran. Trump disputed criticism that the move would lead to Iran resuming its nuclear weapons program.
“And even if it does, I’m ready with some fantastic nicknames for the Iranians that will convince them to stop, believe me,” said the president.
Still dealing: Retired Marine Lt. Col. Oliver North, who gained notoriety in the 1980s during the Iran-Contra affair, which arranged for the sale of weapons to Iran during an arms embargo, was named by the National Rifle Association as its new president.
Ollie, just want to make sure you got the message from President Trump: No more arms sales to Iran.
#HimToo: New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman resigned his post after four women came forward in a New Yorker article, alleging he physically and verbally abused them during sexual encounters. Schneiderman denied the assaults and said he had “engaged in role-playing and other consensual sexual activity.”
As long as you enjoy role-playing, Eric, we’ll set the scene: You be the naughty criminal defendant and Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance Jr., who’s very cross with you, will be the prosecutor. Now, plead.
Here kitty, kitty: Three well-meaning people in San Antonio were treated for bite wounds after rescuing what they thought were kittens. The cute stub-tailed kitties turned out bobcat cubs who destroyed the baby bottles the three attempted to feed them with.
The three planned to relax after the ordeal by swimming with dolphins. At least we’re pretty sure they’re dolphins.
Don’t know much about history: On May 11, 1647, Peter Stuyvesant arrived in New Amsterdam to become governor of New Netherland.
“New Amsterdam?” Stuyvesant said upon arrival. “That’s never going to fit on a baseball cap. Whaddya got that’s shorter, catchier?”
Jon Bauer: jbauer@heraldnet.com.
