By Jon Bauer / Herald Opinion Editor
We’re hoping you’ve weathered the march of atmospheric rivers this week and its downpours and flooding. Ten bucks says President Trump’s reaction to the governor’s emergency declaration will be: “Doesn’t it always rain there?”
Among the other flood of events we tried to keep our head above this week:
‘God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh’: Making his first — really the first-ever president to do so — appearance as host of the annual Kennedy Center Honors last weekend, President Trump presented lifetime achievement awards to Sylvester Stallone, KISS and others. Trump, aiming for a Johnny Carson vibe but bringing his best Don Rickles, ingratiated himself to the crowd with lines like: “Many of you are miserable, horrible people. But you are persistent, you never give up. Sometimes I wish you’d give up, but you don’t.”
Be sure to watch the CBS broadcast later this month for more highlights, like “Good evening, ladies and germs,” “The show was a success but the audience was a failure,” and, since it played so well earlier, “Quiet, piggies.”
Explains why he wore his ‘Phantom’ mask: Also feted at the Kennedy Center Honors was singer and actor Michael Crawford, best know for the title role in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Broadway musical “Phantom of the Opera.” Crawford paid due respect to Trump handpicking him for the momentous honor. “I’m nonpolitical,” he told reporters on the red carpet, “and so I’ve just been invited to be here, and I’m here.”
Crawford already has a spot picked out for his Kennedy Center medallion: Just above the leafblower in his garden shed.
This is why you can’t use your hands in soccer: Just prior to the Kennedy Center celebration, President Trump received his own trophy. During FIFA’s final draw for next year’s World Cup games, FIFA President Gianni Infantino presented Trump with the organization’s first-ever FIFA Peace Prize, which features a world globe being held aloft — tickled, maybe — by several hands. “You definitely deserve the first FIFA Peace Prize for your action, for what you have obtained in your way, but you have obtained it in an incredible way,” Infantino said.
In fact, to make the honor all the more “incredible,” this should be FIFA’s first and only Peace Prize. And break the trophy mold for good measure. Please.
I just flew in from Chicago, and, boy, do I reek. The U.S. Transportation Department, which recently launched a campaign to make air travel more civil, pointing to unruly passengers and slovenly dress, now is working with Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to make Travel Family Friendly and Healthy Again, inviting airports to apply for grants to install mini-gyms and other amenities.
So, we’re not supposed to wear sweatpants and T-shirts on flights anymore, but we’re being encouraged to do pull-ups and take a spin class before we board the plane. In dress shirts and slacks. The good news: Airlines will allow you to upgrade to sit next to a crying baby rather than a sweaty, pitted-out businessman.
Hardest working man in the company: Calling the Biden administration’s “woke” switch of typefaces to make reading easier for those with vision problems as “wasteful” and part of its “radical” diversity, equity, inclusion and accessibility efforts, Secretary of State Marco Rubio ordered the State Department to switch all written communication from the current use of the Calibri font — a sans serif typeface with more rounded shapes thought to be easier to read — back to Times New Roman, a serif font that was commissioned in 1931 by The Times of London. Rubio said that switching back to the use of Times New Roman would “restore decorum and professionalism to the department’s written work.”
Listen, we enjoy changing up typefaces as much as other font aficionados — we watched an entire documentary on Helvetica once and plan to name our racehorses for the Garamond typefaces — but considering that Rubio is not only the Secretary of State but has served as interim National Security Advisor since May 1, as acting administrator of the U.S Agency for International Development since Feb. 3, and the acting archivist at the National Archives and Records Administration — while finding time last week to rename the U.S. Institute of Peace as the Donald J. Trump United States Institute for Peace — we’re impressed Rubio found time to contemplate typefaces as he looked for one more opportunity to own the libs and blandish the boss at the same time. Keep trying, Marco; we know that Employee of the Month honor will be yours soon.
What font is the EPA using? The federal Environmental Protection Agency has removed references to human-caused climate change from its website, eliminating entire pages of content and changing others to suggest “natural processes” are driving the warming global temperatures. Another reports that the greenhouse effect is “natural and necessary to support life.” An EPA spokeswoman said: “This agency no longer takes marching orders from the climate cult.”
Really, Marco, aren’t you due to take some time off.
Email Jon Bauer at jon.bauer@heraldnet.com.
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