Get your coal ready, big fella
Published 11:25 pm Saturday, December 22, 2007
I got ‘em.
The Santa letters.
You know, from sports figures.
Don’t ask me how I got ‘em. I just got ‘em.
I suppose I could have gotten ‘em through Public Disclosure, but that takes longer than the Paris Peace Talks. I have a column to write.
And did I hit the jackpot! Who doesn’t hassle Santa for something? An HD television. Assorted cheeses. And guess what. The bigger the star, the bigger the demand. I mean, after reading just a few of these, if I’m Santa, I’m shelling out enough coal to heat all the blast furnaces in Pennsylvania. How much can one man manage? Remember, we’re talking about a fat guy in a red suit, not Albus Dumbledore.
A few carefully selected excerpts from carefully selected big-timers:
Richie Sexson: ” … so the way I see it, 60 more points on the ol’ average and 60 fewer strikeouts next year and I got those cockroaches off my back. Ain’t too much to ask. Right, bubba? That’s about one more hit for every 10 ABs. Gotta be one more stinking hit in that big ol’ bag o’ yours, big fella. Come through for me this one time and I’ll regularly rinse my spit cup.”
Tyrone Willingham: ” … if I am correct, you, Santa, have the ability far beyond that which most homo sapiens can even conceive. Coach Willingham likes that. Dig deep within yourself and bring me some young men — defensive types — who can fly to the ball and represent our university in the best possible light. Many of Coach Willingham’s favorite members of the media say we’re only about four players away from being a truly solid and spectacular defense. Let’s make the four Lofa Tatupu, Ronnie Lott, Dick Butkus and Lawrence Taylor. If you can produce Buddy Ryan as defensive coordinator, Coach Willingham will be able to sleep at night.”
The anti-Willinghamsters (aka “The Lunatic Fringe”): ” … Santa, ol’ buddy, we know we’ve been bad. We’ve been judgmental. We’ve been impatient. We’ve been quite juvenile. But please, please, PUHLEEEZE just give the Huskies seven wins and the Las Vegas Bowl. Just seven. No, wait a minute … EIGHT and the Holiday Bowl. Nononono! NINE wins, as long as it’s over godless Oregon, the Cougars, UCLA, USC, Oregon State, Stanford, Arizona, Arizona State, Cal and BYU. No, wait! That’s 10! OK, Forget USC. Awwww, no! We gotta beat Notre Dame or we might as well not wake up the next morning! And Oklahoma. OK, make it 11 wins and a BCS bowl game. And — oh, no! We can’t ever, ever lose again to USC. They gave us Barbara Hedges. In the name of our Savior, Don James, we gotta stomp the Trojans. So, what’s that? Twelve wins? How many games we got? Twelve? And a bowl game? I know! Winning the BCS title game! THEN can Tyrone! Wait a minute. That’s not enough. Can we win more games than we actually play? Can we schedule the Patriots? Hey! How about this …”
The Washington Interscholastic Activities Association: “Look, we know we blew the Archbishop Murphy thing. But get us a new office in the San Juans with a pool with a sauna and a spa and we might find a way to make it up to ‘em next year.”
Clay Bennett: “OK, fatso. Here’s the program. I need you to grease the skids on this here move to Oklahoma City and boy, I mean right NOW. Lease? I don’t care ‘bout no pukin’ lease. Just push the sucker through. I’ll make it worth your while, son. How’s about a new, double-wide sleigh for you and the little woman? Just say the word and I’ll make it happen slicker than a loogie on a gold tooth. I’m madder than a wad o’ Brahmas that I have to fly into this caffeinated dairy farm just to see dad-gum Nick Collison trip over the mid-court line. Work it now, big guy, or I’ll buy your little ol’ shootin’ match and move you, the missus, the reindeer and elves to TULSA!”
Shaun Alexander: ” … so I just don’t think new body parts are out of the question. Hey, it is what it is. I’ll never break 1,000 yards again without a new knee and maybe a couple hammies. That happens, and I’ll be like, ‘Wow!’ Throw in a pulling guard — Steve Hutchinson, maybe — and I’ll never bug you again …”
Roger Clemens: ” … ever mix Deca-Durabolin with Geritol? We call it the BALCO-AARP Bomb. Tastes nasty, but it pumps you up fast AND fixes your iron-poor blood. Most guys inject it. But anyway …”
Barry Bonds: ” … but if I see a (BLINKETY-BLANK) asterisk under my (BLANKETY-BLINK) tree, you can jam it in approximately the same area as I apply the cream and the clear …”
Sports columnist John Sleeper: sleeper@heraldnet.com. For Sleeper[`]s blog, go to cmg-northwest2.go-vip.net/heraldnet/danglingparticiples.
