Christmas alone isn’t so merry
Published 9:00 pm Monday, December 22, 2003
Christmas isn’t merry for everyone. Imagine losing your life partner in August, and having to face the holidays.
In a teensy way, I felt Carolyn Barkley’s pain. I wrote about her and her husband, Robert, in August, during the summer drought. Their gorgeous Marysville yard, built from a rocky patch of dirt, was intended to stay green with minimal watering.
I spent a lovely afternoon with Carolyn and Robert, 79, who was full of jokes and vigor. We surveyed their yard, sat on the back porch, chatted about this and that and had a nice time.
The day the column appeared, Barkley, 58, folded the B section so her husband could see his picture and made him a cup of coffee. She took the tray to his bed.
"He looked like he was sound asleep," Barkley said. "I said, ‘Just because you are famous, you can’t sleep all day.’"
Her husband’s heart failed in his sleep. The rest of the morning was a blur of visitors, she said, a 911 call, sitting by his bed and beginning the process of being alone.
"I stayed with Bob quite awhile," she said. "They wrapped him up and took him away."
She made it through Thanksgiving, but Christmas is another sentimental holiday. She won’t get to shop with her mate, as was their tradition, for a New Year’s Eve gown to wear to a party at the Westin Hotel in Seattle. New Year’s Eve was the anniversary of their first date.
This year, Barkley will take some comfort in having by her side their adorable Shih Tzu, Bailey, who is always there for a cuddle.
"Bailey continues to run the house and seems to have settled to the idea that I’m the alpha parent now," Barkley said. "It took him quite awhile and he went through some stress-induced allergies, but is doing much better."
She had to learn how to be a widow. She gathered two full notebooks of her husband’s documents and tips for those left behind. She calls the books her bibles.
"I read every book on being a widow, and they all had something to offer, but not one prepared me for the paperwork, the never-ending paperwork, and talking to representatives of companies that tell you at the end of the conversation to ‘Have a nice day,’" she said. "You’ve just spent 45 minutes on the phone regarding death benefits and that’s how the call ends."
She recommends men and women get a living will, get your will notarized, keep it updated, make it clear who gets what, discuss burial plans, know where to find military records, retirement and Social Security information. She found a company called Do It Yourself Legal in Mukilteo (www.do-it-yourselflegal.com) to be invaluable.
She also said to get a durable power of attorney not just for business but for health care, too. Be sure to talk about a Do Not Resuscitate order if you so choose. Have a copy in your doctor’s office file. Get in touch with People’s Memorial Association or a similar burial plan and it will save you a great deal of pain later on.
"So many things to learn," Barkley said. "They beg women to have a mammogram once a year. They don’t say anything about asking your husband if you have a will, and is it notarized."
If your spouse won’t help you get prepared, find your own attorney and take care of business, Barkley said. After Bob died, Carolyn fumbled to reset the furnace, ignite the pilot light on the gas fireplace and unwrap the fake Christmas tree Bobtethered to the garage ceiling.
She said she misses the companionship around the house.
"It’s like you go to sleep and your life partner is there and you wake up and he’s gone," Barkley said. "You miss that ‘Hey, Babe.’"
I noticed her new short hairdo. One night, when silence and grieving were overwhelming, she took scissors and slashed at her locks.
"A lot of nights you feel cold, even though it’s not cold," she said. "Your bones are cold."
Carolyn is keeping up with their yard. She is back teaching her rubber stamp classes and getting hugs from her students. I hated to ask, but wondered how it was to live in a home where your husband died.
"I’m very comfortable that he died here," Carolyn said. "I’ve slept in his T-shirts."
I hope warm memories help her maneuver into 2004.
Columnist Kristi O’Harran: 425-339-3451 or
