The Buzz: Official satire column of the Enemy of the People
Published 1:30 am Saturday, August 18, 2018
By Jon Bauer
Herald staff
It isn’t easy maintaining high standards when you’re the Enemy of the People. There’s the nation’s downfall to plan, kids’ morals to corrupt, a president to plot against and the fall network TV season to map out which nights you’ll need to be home.
But still, we manage to present the week that wasn’t.
Don’t rain on my parade: President Trump announced he had canceled plans for a Veterans Day military parade in Washington, D.C., blaming local D.C. officials for a “ridiculously high” price tag, a day after military officials estimated the cost of the parade at $92 million, $50 million of it for military aircraft, equipment and personnel. Trump said he would reschedule the parade for 2019 when the cost “comes WAY DOWN,” though not explaining how that would be accomplished.
One potential cost-cutting measure: The parade will feature a flyby of the military’s F-35 stealth fighters that Trump has claimed (not fake news) are “literally invisible … It’s stealth — you can’t see it.”
And you can forget the Christmas card! President Trump on Wednesday revoked the security clearance of former CIA director John Brennan, a leading critic of the president, in particular of Trump’s one-on-one meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin. In a statement, Trump cited Brennan’s “erratic conduct and behavior.”
Trump also demanded Brennan hand over his Inspector Gadget Secret Decoder Ring; all files he has on Sasquatch, the Loch Ness monster and the whereabouts of Elvis Presley; and the missing Queen of Diamonds from Trump’s deck of playing cards.
Wait ‘til I tell Alexa where you’ve been: An Associated Press investigation found that many Google apps and services on Android devices and iPhones will track and store your location history even when you explicitly tell the device to turn off that capability.
Learning of its “erratic conduct and behavior,” President Trump immediately revoked the security clearance of his iPhone and vowed never to send another tweet. (OK, he didn’t; but isn’t it pretty to think so.)
Capitol capitals: After more than 300 newspapers published editorials critical of President Trump’s attacks on the media as “the enemy of the people,” the president responded with tweets that called “THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA THE OPPOSITION PARTY” and said the editorial campaign was “COLLUSION.”
A spokesperson for the news media issued a statement in response said that it would no longer be able to respond in like fashion because it would run out of ink writing editorials in all capital letters.
Disgrace under fire: Former presidential adviser and “Apprentice” alum, Omarosa Manigault Newman, drew fire from President Trump as she released her new tell-all book, releasing several recordings including one made within the secure confines of the White House Situation Room in which Chief of Staff John Kelly tells Manigault Newman that she has been fired.
Unable to revoke her security clearance because she was never given one, Trump immediately rehired Omarosa, fired her, rehired her again, and fired her one last time with a tweet in capital letters.
Walking on sunshine: NASA has launched a probe that will travel to then orbit the sun, coming within 3.8 million miles of its surface. Among the questions the probe will seek to answer is why the sun’s atmosphere is hundreds of times hotter than its surface, which is 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit.
It should be pretty obvious: It just feels cooler on the surface because it’s a dry heat.
Jon Bauer: jbauer@heraldnet.com.
