A mighty and nutty wind

From playful to scary, nature’s leaf blower — wind — is something to behold. As opposed to man’s leafblowers. Let’s breeze through the headlines.

•”Naked man in nut tree arrested in Salem”: Dogs tracked the man into a filbert orchard, where he was found in a tree wearing only tennis shoes. (He was easily identifiable because all the other nuts were shoeless.) The man told police he had been drinking the night before and didn’t know how he got there. Perhaps he was searching his nutty family tree. He was jailed on public indecency charges, i.e., for exposing his filberts.

(Speaking of filberts, or hazelnuts, the fabulously funny mockumentary, “Best in Show,” contains the best, and perhaps only, monologue about nuts in cinematic history, by Christopher Guest’s character, Harlan Pepper, who hails from Pine Nut, and begins his soliloquy: “I used to be able to name every nut that there was.”)

•”20th child due for ‘19 Kids and Counting’ reality TV couple”: Michelle, 45, said in the video that she and her husband were surprised at the latest pregnancy. Really? You’d think after number 12 or 13 or so, they would’ve figured out what causes that particular “surprise.”

•”Doc says he can make your brown eyes blue”: Dr. Gregg Homer at Stroma Medical in California says he has worked 10 years to develop a laser procedure that removes the brown pigment from an eye’s iris, leaving the blue pigment.

While other doctors and researchers spend their careers helping treat and cure disease, apparently some spend years on purely cosmetic treatments required by no one, and which could very well cause problems.

Homer’s explanation for his life’s work is creepy: “The eyes are the windows to the soul,(there’s)this idea that people can actually see into it — a blue eye is not opaque. You can see deeply into it, and a brown eye is very opaque, and I think that there is something meaningful about this idea of having open windows to the soul.” Yikes. Double yikes.

The only valid response to this drivel, while running in the other direction, is: “I used to be able to name every nut that there was.”

•”Man arrested for allegedly threatening to blow up store over sold-out war game”: As Harlan Pepper’s mother would say, “Would you stop naming nuts!”

•”’Saber-toothed squirrel’ bridges 150 million year gap in fossil record”: They held their snooty snouts in the air at the thought of harvesting nuts. They preferred insects. So do some Oregon squirrels, after seeing a naked man in their nut tree.