Ain’t no app for romance

Your Valentine’s Day soundtrack tomorrow depends where you are on the Cupid Scale. Experiencing a broken heart or unrequited love? Then it’s a perfect day for “Ain’t No Cure for Love” by Leonard Cohen.

All goofy in love? Try Diana Ross’ first disco hit, “Love Hangover,” in which she convincingly argues: “If there’s a cure for this, I don’t want it.”

Dance, er, discuss love maladies and their antidotes among yourselves as we deal with a headline hangover:

•”NYC sewage plant to offer Valentine’s Day tours”: Oh, darling, you really, really shouldn’t have!

Soulo converts iPad into karaoke machine”: Yes! Just in time to show up at your beloved’s workplace on Valentine’s Day and pour your heart and soul and dance moves into “Love Hangover.”

Five iPad games your cat will love”: Yes! Just in time. Now you do officially have plans for Valentine’s Day. Or at least Fluffy does.

Tell us: What do you want in the next iPad?”: The cats want a tuna app. So they can locate the closest snack while playing Angry Birds.

A Windows 8 tablet offers hope as potent iPad foe”: The dogs call dibs on this one. Five Windows 8 tablet games your dog will love, including Happy Squirrels.

Would-be Lassies get camera-ready at animal-actor boot camp”: Since all are serious students of Method Acting, however, none would break character for an interview.

With the right rules, dogs and offices can be a nice mix”: Rule No. 1: No cats with iPads. 2. No cats, period. 3: No over-dramatic Lassie types.

NBC, NFL apologize for Super Bowl halftime show”: Why don’t they just issue an apology before the halftime show and save everyone some time each year?

Billions in gold said hidden in Wenatchee hills”: OK, but it’s required by bad Westerns and good Bugs Bunny cartoons to report it as “There’s gold in them thar hills!”

Gold falls on uncertainty over Greek bailout”: What’s the fuss? Didn’t investors hear about Wenatchee?

Black hole in Milky Way seen snacking on asteroids?”: Well, a black hole’s gotta eat, doesn’t it? Astronomers say the black hole, known as Sagittarius A* has an enormous appetite that shows no sign of abating. If only it would develop a taste for all the man-made junk floating around up there. But Sagittarius A* sticks to a strictly organic diet.

Valentine’s Day shoppers spending more this year”: Well, except maybe those givers of sewage plant tours.

A gift from the heart always works best. Or one from them thar hills.

Happy Valentine’s Day.