Erect a statue to yourself

Twas the night before the election … when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even the undecideds. The ballots were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes the mail-ins soon would be there.

And that’s why “poetry” is not allowed on the Opinion page.

During the next census, why not make “undecided” one of the many categories from which to choose?

Let’s offer instant analysis of incoming headlines:

•”Ex-mayor erects statue of himself at Michigan home”: The former mayor of Flint, Mich., who resigned in 2009 while facing a recall, has erected a bronze statue of himself outside the gated entrance to his home. The Flint Journal reports that the statue of Don Williamson is surrounded by six bronze lions. Oh, my. Is that the neo-ego style of architecture?

Young millennials — fiscal conservatives?”: Well, not by choice, we wager.

Millennials are eating out less”: But they are eating mom’s cooking more.

Multicoloured tarantulas found up trees in Brazil”: Spider experts working in Brazil have discovered nine new species of pink, purple and orange mini tarantulas. Don’t they sound dainty and pretty? Not to mention hairy and scary.

Scientists have narrowed name possibilities for the spiders down to two Tom Wolfe titles, “The Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Baby,” and “The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test.”

•”Alien life may require rare ‘just-right’ asteroid belts”: Because as humans know, the urge to create new life often occurs after a couple of belts.

Seattle’s Living Computer Museum tempts tech tourists”: Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen is preserving the history of computers with displays of old machines, all in working order. He also has a wish-list of items he would like to acquire for the museum. So, if you have something he wants, don’t forget to drive a historic hard bargain.

Apple paid only 2 percent tax on earnings outside U.S.”: The general corporate tax rate is 35 percent.

But the “stunning Retina display” of the new iPad screen makes it hard to pay attention to anything else.

•”Are Starbucks baristas more emotionally intelligent than doctors?”: Perhaps. But they really do insist that you keep your shirt on.

Also, it might be a little easier to discuss a non-fat half-caff triple grande quarter sweet sugar-free vanilla non-fat lactaid extra hot extra foamy caramel macchiato, than a medical diagnosis, but what the heck.

•”Nevada town named state’s ‘most bearded community’”: Meanwhile, the women and barbers of Virginia City cried a little bit.

Foul-mouthed parrot seeks new home in UK”: Beaky, as he is called, swears a lot and bites. But since he has an English accent, you can say Beaky is just cheeky instead of rude.

Cheers.