Fly Air Health for full body exams

Thanks to our fundamentalist friend in the flaming Fruit-of-the-Looms, it is now perfectly clear that the annoying “security” ritual we’ve been enduring at airports is entirely for show and only slightly decreases the chances that a self-destructive maniac will get on the plane with a bomb.

But the silver lining of this cloud is that we might solve two huge political problems with one stone by simply having a full medical exam conducted by a physician at the time of boarding. This would involve blood pressure, pulse, EEG (for bad thoughts), EKG (evil heart), prostate exam (remember, they’re desperate), Pap smear (trust nobody), and blood draw and urine analyses to check for bio-weapons and bomb making fluids as well as high cholesterol and diabetes.

Having a nice-looking female physician conduct the exams for the men and vice versa for the females would automatically send the most dangerous of the diabolically devout scurrying off to find some other way to kill the infidel while providing the passengers a splendid conversation piece for their trip. At the other end of the screening process, the passenger would receive a complete medical report, a boarding pass and, on international flights, a prescription they could fill for a fraction of the U.S. price in just about any other country.

With this kind of security at airports, soon our buses, trains, cruise ships and even taxis would become the favored targets and would require the same level of protection. Next thing you know, our government would actually be providing two things every poll shows the public wants: real security from terrorists and universal medical care.

I know actually helping ordinary people would stick in the conservative craw, but remember we’re at “war” and sometimes sacrifices have to be made.

Ken Dammand

Marysville