Hummer no longer so vain

When March fluffs in like a lamb in some places and roars in roughshod elsewhere, that’s the true madness. Applicable to weather and news:

“G.M. to close Hummer after sale fails”: And the Earth heaves a sigh of relief. Hummers and mega-mansions will forever be icons of the era-of-excess that led up to the recession era of now, in which China killed the sale partly over environmental concerns.

A private Chinese manufacturer wanted to buy Hummer, but the government wouldn’t give its approval because of a new emphasis on limiting dependence on imported oil and protecting the environment, the New York Times reported.

Apparently the lure of a hybrid-Hummer didn’t ignite imaginations. Without the government’s blessing, Chinese banks wouldn’t lend to Tengzhong, which left the company trying to borrow money from Western banks, bringing the irony full circle.

“Jamie Moyer, Phillies’ 47-year-old pitcher, prepares for another season”: After a hellish off-season of surgeries and infections, the former Mariner has been cleared to play and is fighting Kyle Kendrick for the Phillies’ fifth starting job.

Moyer is the league’s oldest player and delivers the league’s the slowest pitch. In his 11 seasons with the Mariners, he had a record of 145–87 with a 3.97 earned run average in 324 games (323 starts) and is the franchise leader in wins, starts and innings pitched. It was Moyer who was honored in his years in Seattle with all of MLB’s “character” awards for success on the field matched by community service: The Roberto Clemente Award, The Hutch Award, given by Fred Hutchison Cancer Research Center, and The Lou Gehrig Award.

Speaking for baby boomers, underdogs, aging athletes and everybody else, we wish the crafty veteran, with his fake-you-out change-up, all the luck in the world. Moyer, born in 1962, is a tiger in the Chinese zodiac, and this happens to be the Year of the Tiger. The much more famous pitcher, the seven-time Cy Young winning, broken-bat throwing Roger Clemens, the anti-Jamie Moyer, was also born in 1962. (During his best season, in 2003, Moyer finished fourth in Cy Young Award voting…) But Clemens plays no more. And he never was honored with any of baseball’s character awards. We’re just saying.

“Carly Simon whispers name of ‘You’re So Vain’ mystery man”: This is bound to be anti-climatic, like Woodward and Bernstein’s “Deep Throat” informant. (Unless she was singing about Henry Kissinger.)

The beautiful part, of course, is that every person who has, or will, croon and taunt along to those lyrics, knows exactly who that song is about, don’t they?