Ah, mid-Janauary. Turns out cabin fever doesn’t require snow. That would just be frosting on the cake, so to speak. Let’s escape with a whirlwind tour through the headlines:
•”Questions remain about organic foods grown in China”: That would be in addition to all the questions about its non-organic food. How can it ever make sense for Americans to buy vegetables or whatever, “organic” or whatever, from China?
”TSA defends confiscation of Mass. woman’s cupcake”: The agent in question plans to use the infamous “Twinkie Defense” to explain what about the cupcake caused suspicion. “The icing looked too yummy and good to be true. But I was all hopped up on Yo-Yos.”
”Consumer Confidential: Twinkies, Coors Light, colon cleansing”: This is an L.A. Times headline writer summing up three business briefs, and, yes, gaining our attention, but in a stomach-turning way.
(The Twinkie news is that that Hostess Brands, maker of the Twinkie and other treats, is going back into bankruptcy. Twinkies and other Hostess products will now only be available in the Chinese organic food section of your supermarket.)
•”Extinct giant tortoise may still be alive in Galapagos”: “The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated,” quipped the Chelonoidis “Samuel Clemens” elephantopus.
”Tiny frog claimed as world’s smallest vertebrate”: He was overheard telling the tortoise, “Whatever. My back hurts.”
”Researcher charged with fabricating red-wine data”: The scientist was described as “bold, nay, arrogant, ponderous, with hints of bitterness and vanilla.”
”Foxconn settles with workers who threatened mass suicide”: Well, good thing they won.
”La. lawmaker seeks pajamas-in-public ban”: In our extremely casually dressed society, what constitutes “pajamas” will hinder this idea.
But Caddo Parish District 3 Commissioner Michael Williams in Shreveport will no doubt invoke the famous porn litimus test, as applied to pajamas: “I know it when I see it.”
Americans bristle at such over-reaching by the government. Still, it’s difficult not to sympathize with Williams, who acted after seeing a group of pajama-wearing, private-parts exposing teens at Walmart.
Speaking for the pajamas-in-public faction, The Shreveport Times quotes Khiry Tisdem, out and about in his “Family Guy” Stewie pajama pants.
“I wear my (pajama) pants anywhere,” Tisdem told the paper. “I’m an American, and I can wear my clothes anywhere I want. I’m a grown man. I pay my own bills, so I can wear my clothes the way I want. I don’t know why it’s an issue.”
Doesn’t that kind of liberty and freedom give you goosebumps? Or is it just that the flap on your union suit is open?