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May 2  |  
Last job they'll ever get: Three leading candidates, all Democrats, have begun trying to distinguish themselves in the race to replace longtime U.S. Rep. Jim McDermott and earn the coveted title of Congress-person for Life in the very liberal 7th Congressional District.

A close race could hinge on small things that are big deals in the 7th District, such as getting caught opting for plastic instead of paper at the supermarket checkout line.



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April 30  |  Jon Bauer, Herald staff
Pop goes the weasel: The world's largest atom smasher, the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, Switzerland, was shut down after a weasel invaded a transformer that powers the apparatus and caused an electrical outage. The weasel did not survive, and little remains of the small mammal.

The monkey, which unlike the weasel, did not stop to scratch its nose, was not harmed as it was being...

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April 29  |  Jon Bauer, Herald staff
But how do you really feel, John? Former Speaker of the House John Boehner told a crowd at Stanford University that he'd vote for Donald Trump if he becomes the Republican presidential nominee but not for Sen. Ted Cruz, calling Cruz, "Lucifer in the flesh," and saying he had "never worked with a more miserable (S.O.B.) in my life."

Beelzebub, R-H.E.Double...

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April 28  |  
Fourth and long at their own 15 with 30 seconds to play: Looking to give his campaign a jolt as the Donald Trump Orange Express rolls to the Republican presidential nomination, Ted Cruz on Wednesday named former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina as his running mate.

If her tenure at HP is any guide, Fiorina should indeed give the Cruz campaign a jolt — straight into Chapter 11 bankruptcy, that is.

Better living through fewer...

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April 27  |  Jon Bauer, Herald staff
Shine's off the Apple: For the first time in more than a decade, Apple reported a drop in quarterly revenue as sales of its iPhone tailed off. It sold 51.2 million iPhones in the first three months of the year, about 10 million fewer than a year earlier. The company is battling perceptions that its latest iPhones aren't much different from previous models.

Here, Apple, let us help...

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April 26  |  
HILL ‘N' DON SMASH: Presidential primaries in five East Coast states happen tonight, with front-runners Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton predicted to do well.

At this rate, the Ted Cruz-John Kasich alliance to stop Trump could get help from Captain America, the Fantastic Four and the Golden State Warriors ... and still fail.



2-4-6-8 who do we depreciate: Newspaper publisher Gannett wants to buy rival Tribune...

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April 25  |  Jon Bauer, Herald staff
Bring a picnic: A pothole — 12 feet long, three feet wide and seven inches deep — in the northbound I-5 lanes near Marysville flattened tires and caused backups for hours on Sunday.

If we didn't need the lane on I-5, we would have suggested roping off the pothole and charging admission to the Grand Marysville Canyon.

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April 23  |  Jon Bauer, Herald staff
Let's do this, a couple of times: Americans are expected to spend $310 billion on home repairs and renovations this year, upgrading kitchens, bathrooms and more.

Of course, only $100 billion of that will be by do-it-yourselfers, with the other $210 billion being spent to hire someone to fix what was messed up the first time.



It's the...

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April 22  |  By Jon Bauer, Herald staff
And I'll need your key to the executive washroom: U.S. banking regulators are looking to crack down on exorbitant executive pay. If an executive's riskier financial decisions don't pay off, the bank would have seven years to demand the return of the exec's bonus.

What a relief. For a while there we thought the banks might not get their money back to throw at some other overpaid...

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April 21  |  
Your Tubmans welcome: Harriet Tubman, the 19th century African-American abolitionist who was born a slave, will replace President Andrew Jackson, a slave owner who led brutal military campaigns against Native Americans, on the front of the $20 bill.

Anybody who is upset by moving Bloody Andy Jackson off the front of the new $20 bill should feel free to mail their Tubmans to The Buzz, in care of this newspaper.

Yuuuge long...

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April 20  |  
Does this mean I have to use Bing? Google is identified as "partially dangerous" by its very own Safe Browsing tool, which automatically scans the Internet looking for unsafe websites.

The Buzz IT Department assures us that Google is perfectly safe, as long as you continue to follow the long-standing advice to refrain from Googling "Santorum."





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April 19  |  
Art of the steal: Now that Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump is a household name from Twin Falls to Timbuktu, hucksters are putting his name and orange spray-tanned likeness on a variety of products — including Trump-branded packets of heroin in New Hampshire.

Trump Heroin is not to be confused with Trump Meth, whose side effects include a sudden uncontrollable desire to vote for Trump.



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April 18  |  
It'll cost you plenty of silver: In what could be the granddaddy of granddad rock concerts, organizers of the Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival plan to book Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney, the Rolling Stones, the Who, Neil Young and Pink Floyd's Roger Waters for this year's festival, set for Oct. 7 through 9 at in Indio, California.

If it happens, it will be the biggest gathering of young people to listen to old people since ... well, OK, since...

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April 16  |  
A recent survey found that nearly 10 percent of the nation's companies allow pets at work. But finding commercial landlords willing to accommodate them can be a challenge.

But co-workers who are allergic to dog hair or just don't like canine noses in their crotches? Not a problem.





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April 15  |  
Czech, pleaseWe were they’d go back to Bohemia: The Czech Republic wants to make it easier to pronounce its name and is suggesting English speakers go with Czechia, just as the Slovak Republic is informally called Slovakia (Page A6).This has been brewing since Czechoslovakia split the sheets in 1993. The Slovaks got to keep “Slovakia” leaving the Czechs with “Czecho,” which just sounds like some sad Eastern European clown.

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April 14  |  Jon Bauer, Herald staff
Guess the Chuck Wagon name was taken: A food truck near Amazon.com's Seattle headquarters is capitalizing on the abundance of pet owners in the neighborhood. The menu of the Seattle Barkery's food truck sells dog food. But it's not a choice between dry or canned; it's fried chicken feet, duck necks, cheesy doughnuts and "pupcakes."

And should you get hungry, too, we understand...

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April 13  |  Jon Bauer, Herald staff
A bustle in your hedgerow: A judge has ruled a trial can proceed to determine if Led Zepplin's famous song, "Stairway to Heaven," got its opening guitar solo from another rock band. Spirit guitarist Randy Wolfe claims the opening notes of "Stairway" are taken from his song, "Taurus."

Finally, the nation's guitar store employees will know who to...

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April 12  |  
Channel-surfing the vast cultural wasteland: Historically significant parks get the television spotlight tonight, as Channel 9 airs a documentary called.

One of them is Freeway Park in Seattle, which is also profiled on a show called "10 Parks Where You Can Shoot Up Heroin and Nobody Will See You (Well, Almost Nobody)."





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April 11  |  Jon Bauer, Herald staff
And send more duct tape: The SpaceX Dragon capsule delivered the world's first inflatable module to the International Space Station. The module, once inflated, will test new technologies for astronaut habitats.

NASA believes the technology is safe, but astronauts are being encouraged to remove their shoes before entering the bouncy castle.




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April 9  |  
Seeking dispensation from delegate math? Bernie Sanders will attend a Vatican City conference on social, economic and environmental issues next week, but so far there's no indication that the Democratic presidential candidate will meet with Pope Francis.

We may never know the pontiff's opinions on the U.S. presidential race — unless, of course, he issues an encyclical titled "Shillary Clinton, Tool of the Oligarchs!! #BernieOrBust."

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April 8  |  
Oh thank heaven

For the ability to pay as late as 11:59 p.m. April 18: Taxpayers who need to pay the IRS in cash can now do so at 7-Eleven stores.

If the service proves popular, the IRS might consider adding the following line to form 1040EZ: "Check here to add a Slurpee, heat lamp dog and pack of Camel Filters to your tax bill."





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April 7  |  Jon Bauer, Herald staff
A little bit country: Country singer Josh Gracin, who landed a record deal in 2004 based on his success singing covers of country hits on Fox's "American Idol," declined an invitation to appear on the series finale tonight, telling producers he believed if he performed covers of country tunes with other former contestants, Nashville wouldn't take him seriously.


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April 6  |  Jon Bauer, Herald staff
"The Widest-Awake Place on Earth": Starbucks is going big. Its new cafe will be a 20,000-square foot store in New York, modeled after the first Roastery-brand store in Seattle. The combined roasting facility and cafe will also teach customers about coffee brewing and bean origins.

In other words, it's like a children's museum but meant for jittery adults.

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April 5  |  
The Dairy State votes: Candidates are making their final pitches in Wisconsin ahead of today's presidential primary, where GOP front-runner Donald Trump is hoping to rebound from a series of missteps.

Ohio Gov. John Kasich, on the other hand, is hoping to collect at least as many votes as he has newspaper endorsements.





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April 2  |  Jon Bauer, Herald staff
Reason enough: Our Web Monkey survey asked readers to predict how well the Seattle Mariners will do this season. About 44 percent expect a disappointing season, 34 percent see a .500 season, 16 percent think they'll make the playoffs and 6 percent predict a World Series appearance.

The percentage of disappointed fans would have been even greater, but Safeco Field concession stands...

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April 1  |  
Because you'll be sitting still the next time: Folks will have a chance to walk across the new Highway 520 floating bridge in Seattle this weekend before the structure opens.

Fun fact you probably already figured out: Walking on the bridge will be faster than driving on it during typical rush hour traffic.

Last Will, if you will: Sean Hayes, who co-starred in TV's "Will & Grace," will play God in a stage...

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March 31  |  Jon Bauer, Herald staff
Robot kids these days: Microsoft says it remains committed to developing robotic chat software, even after hackers hijacked its chat bot, Tay, which is designed to mimic the personality of a teenager, and taught the bot to spew racist, sexist and pornographic remarks.

Like any parent looking to correct a teen's behavior, Microsoft says it will reprogram Tay; as punishment it's taken...

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March 30  |  
Just 88 cents a day equals $27: The Kids Today often get grief for being spendthrifts, but a new study shows millennials are actually better at saving than lots of old folks, according to a new study from Bankrate.com.

All that scrimping and saving is taking a toll on millennials, however. It's nearly the end of the month, and they're worried sick over whether they'll have enough left over to donate to Bernie Sanders.


Don't know...

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March 29  |  Jon Bauer, Herald staff
U.S. trade claw

Lobsters on tour: After finding American lobsters in the coastal waters of Sweden, the Scandinavian country is asking the European Union to block the importation of U.S. lobsters.

It's probably just as well we don't send American lobsters to Sweden, considering what the Swedes do to a perfectly good piece of cod when they...

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March 28  |  Jon Bauer, Herald staff
Math is hard: The author of a new book argues that algebra is discouraging kids from finishing high school and isn't a necessary skill for a majority of jobs.

Here's a prime example: You don't need algebra to run for president. But judging by a certain front-runner, you don't need to be smarter than a fifth-grader, either.



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