The concept of “reality TV” has really messed with actual “real life.” Let’s look at the authentic headlines, believe it or not:
“Donald Trump on Kanye West 2020: ‘I hope to run against him someday’?”: When did what we once know as “reality” simply become one big celebrity-driven TV show? (Future cabinet members: Elizabeth McCord aka Tea Leoni as Secretary of State; Selena Gomez aka Julia Louis-Dreyfus as V.P.; and Seahawks Richard Sherman as Secretary of Defense.)
“General Mills selling Green Giant brand to B&G Foods for $765 million”: Hey, now that Trump mentions it, the (formerly Jolly) Green Giant would make a fine Secretary of Agriculture.
“Researchers: Chimp that attacked a drone planned ahead”: My hero. And let’s not wait to immediately appoint this fine gal as Homeland Security chief.
“Crashed drone interrupts match at U.S. Open”: See? Homeland Security Chief, Tushi the chimp, would not have allowed this breach of security to happen.
“Fox News anchor sues Hasbro over toy hamster with her name”: The real Harris Faulkner has sued Hasbro over its plastic Harris Faulkner hamster. What was Hasbro thinking? Other toys in the popular Littlest Pet Shop line are named Pancakes Watkins, Puffball Petrovsky and Pepper Clark. So, you know, not names of real people. Unlike Harris Faulkner. (Was Hash Browns Harris already taken by some other toy line?) And, yes, Trump hopes to run against Pancakes Watkins in 2024.)
“Kris and Caitlyn Jenner’s emotional first meeting”: Naturally, this “emotional first meeting” took place on television, on Jenner’s “reality show.” Where else?
“Finally! A robot that serves beer”: Yay? Because human bartenders, with their jokes, advice and/or empathy, were found to be too inefficient in this highly competitive field?
“Stop everything, Seattle: Amazon will bring liquor to you in an hour”: Finally! And one day, it will be delivered by a robot operating a drone.
“Budweiser takes exception to firm’s ‘Queen of Beer’ campaign”: Of course it does. The beer giant is battling She Beverage Co., a craft brewery, which had the audacity to apply to patent “The Queen of Beer” phrase. (Something Anheuser-Busch has never bothered to do.) Budweiser says “The Queen of Beer” sounds too much like its “King of Beers” and that people might believe they are the company that makes “Queen of Beer.” Really? The same company that just a few months ago, after being publicly slammed, apologized for a campaign slogan on its light beer bottles that said: “The Perfect Beer For Removing ‘No’ From Your Vocabulary For The Night.” Does anyone really believe Budweiser would ever market a “Queen of Beer”? No. Unless, you know, it was a can that featured a scantily clad woman whose clothes disappear as the can gets warmer.
“Ashley Madison says cheating site still growing”: Indeed. Because that’s just how easy it is to create fake accounts.
As an exercise in reality, list the “reality” TV shows that have been canceled when actual real reality intruded on the program, starting with “19 and Counting.”
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com.
Talk to us
> Give us your news tips.
> Send us a letter to the editor.
> More Herald contact information.
