Vanilla Ice is back, back baby.
And for that crime alone, Adam Sandler should get the chair.
Alas, it’s a minor offense in “That’s My Boy,” a no-holds-barred raunch-fest that combines bits of “Saturday Night Live” skits and “The Hangover” with every ugly Sandler laugher ever made.
When your comedy starts with a criminally “inappropriate” sexual relationship between a 13-year-old boy and his bombshell teacher, the scariest thought is ,”Yeah, they’re going to have to top that.” Which they then proceed to do.
Sandler has made worse movies, but never one as grotesque as this.
He stars as Donny Berger, who became famous — notorious — in the ’80s for his illegal fling with Miss McGarricle (Eva Amurri Martino).
Donny made a lot of money being the kid who lived Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher” fantasy, the envy of his (male) peers. Of course, he blew through all that cash. Thirty years later, all he has to show for the glory days are a dated TV movie about the affair, his old Fiero and a whopping tax bill.
Donny’s one hope: Find his estranged son, whom he named Han Solo Berger, and stage a reunion with the kid and the imprisoned mom on a sleazy TV show hosted by a guy played by sportscaster/Sandler pal Dan Patrick, sporting freakier hair than usual.
Han Solo changed his name to Todd Peterson and grew up to be a dull hedge-fund manager. Todd’s a pushover, a nerd.
You will not believe how unfunny “Saturday Night Live’s” Andy Samberg can be until you see this guy, a henpecked groom about to marry the shrill Jamie (Leighton Meester).
Tony Orlando plays Todd’s crude and lewd boss. James Caan does the worst Irish accent he could manage, playing a two-fisted priest who will marry the couple.
There are a staggering number of shock-for-shock’s-sake scenes that go on, ad nauseum: masturbation jokes that don’t land, clumsy, slow showcase moments for the growing number of clowns on Sandler’s payroll, all playing caricatures.
And through it all, a much-heavier Sandler waddles and chews on a “Pahk the caah in the chow-duh” Massachusetts accent, aiming low and sometimes hitting his targets. Maybe the best joke is how “good looking” and “sexy” all the women say he is, how charmed every character seems by his oafishness.
Fans of lower-than-low comedy may choke on their popcorn over every staggering vulgarity. But sentient beings will find a laugh, here and there, as well.
But mostly, “That’s My Boy” is a groaner.
“That’s My Boy”
Adam Sandler outdoes himself with this grossfest, a series of cliches and endless disturbing jokes. It follows a loser father who needs to find his long-lost son, the result of a “relationship” with his teacher when he was in middle school. With Andy Samberg, Leighton Meester, Vanilla Ice and James Caan.
Rated: R for crude sexual content, nudity, language and drug use.
Showing: Alderwood, Cinebarre, Everett Stadium, Galaxy Monroe, Marysville, Meridian, Woodinville, Cascade Mall.
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