Boomers can reset marriages

  • Mon Oct 22nd, 2012 4:36pm
  • Life

By Heidi Stevens Chicago Tribune

Baby boomer marriages are having a best of times/worst of times moment.

Despite the overall divorce rate in the U.S. dropping during the past two decades, the rate of couples divorcing after age 50 has doubled. In 1990, fewer than 10 percent of divorces included spouses age 50 or older, according to a National Center for Family and Marriage Research study out of Bowling Green State University.

Today, boomers account for more than 25 percent of divorces. Bad news, right?

Indeed, a 2010 Pew Research Center study found that boomers are more likely than any other population segment to say the main point of marriage was to seek happiness.

Ideally, marriage experts say, more couples will find a way to capitalize on the evolution of marital roles and norms without feeling like they’ve got to throw in the towel.

“It would be insane for any of us to think we’re the same person at 55 that we were at 25,” says New York-based relationship counselor Rachel Sussman. “The criteria we used to make decisions in our 20s are no longer the criteria we feel are important in our 50s and 60s.”

“Baby boomer marriages have been on cruise control,” says Justin Buzzard, author of the newly released book “Date Your Wife.”

“There are many wonderful exceptions, but by and large boomer marriages have been in maintenance mode for decades. The man has been focused on his career. They haven’t been keeping the marriage strong and fit and healthy.

“The kids leave home, and the husband and wife look at each other and say, ‘I’m not in love with you. I barely know you.’”

“Couples entering this next phase of their lives have such a great opportunity to get out there and see the world together,” Sussman says.

Boomers need to redefine marriage, Buzzard says, partly because of how completely the culture around them has changed since they exchanged vows and partly, oddly enough, because their parents probably stuck it out through thick and thin.

The key (surprise, surprise) is better communication.

“The most important thing is to listen to your partner’s emotions and communicate the message, ‘Baby, if you’re unhappy with something, the world stops, and I listen and we do something about it,’” says renowned marriage researcher John Gottman, author of 40 books, including the just-released “What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal”

“I see people who’ve left one another in pain for 10, 15 years, and by then you don’t feel loved or safe. The critical variable is making sure your partner feels cherished.”