Wouldn’t it be fun if all workplaces held “spring training” (in a warm locale)? No? Oh, well. Back to the “Shark Tank” bad idea drawing board. Let’s take some batting practice with the headlines:
”Seahawks will extend Carroll’s contract”: Really? Sticking with the first coach to take the team to the Super Bowl and win … Isn’t that kind of risky?
”Sherman Alexie novel banned in Meridian, Idaho”: We can count on this perennial censorship from certain quarters, so thank you to them, it’s generally always good for book sales, and getting kids interested in reading. (Kind of a subversive shark strategy.)
”When NCAA needs leadership, Mark Emmert takes a low profile”: Well, when you make $1.7 million a year, plus other benefits, it’s important to delegate. It would be great to have Emmert appear before the real “Shark Tank” folks, and have him describe his duties, and defend his salary. Among other things. Hey, a guppy can dream.
”Human antidepressants making shrimp too calm”: That is so sad. Blase shrimp get eaten by predators. Will the antidepressants work their way up the food chain, until even the sharks are like, whatever, and just go through the chomping motions?
”Tax the Childless: We should slash taxes on parents by jacking them up for nonparents”: Ever notice how some words trigger your inner piranha? Such as “tax,” “slash,” and “jack them up.”
”Scientists solve mystery of why zebras have stripes”: Because they are simply elegant and always in style, reports researcher Ralph Lauren. No mystery.
”Study: Cereal characters lure kiddies with eye gaze”: They apparently hyp-no-tize little ones, or something: “Demand the cereal or throw a tantrum; demand the cereal or throw a tantrum, etc.) So beware the cereal aisle, with sugared-up Cap’n Crunch trying to enlist your child, not mention the leprechaun peddling his “magically delicious” sugar mixture. (Don’t talk to strangers, and don’t make eye contact with cereal characters…)
Speaking of Lucky Charms, General Mills is celebrating the cereal’s 50th anniversary with special promotions this year, culminating on St. Patrick’s Day. Because marshmallow green clovers, pink hearts, orange stars, and yellow moons are a traditional Irish dish, after all.
(Rice Krispies are even older; marketed and sold by Kellogg’s starting in 1927. So when the cereal’s three elfin characters now say “Snap, crackle and pop,” it refers to getting out of bed, and a chair, and up the stairs, etc.)
”How many portions of fruit and vegetables are we eating?”: Well, it depends, do french fries, onion rings and ketchup count as two or three servings? And what about Froot Loops?
Remember those big Shredded Wheat biscuits that looked like baled hay? Wonder what those taste like. Have a nutritionally sound week.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, firstname.lastname@example.org