By Carol MacPherson
Forty years since Richard Nixon resigned? In his honor, let’s bring back the use of the word “crook.” Meanwhile, we’ll always have the headlines to kick around:
“Bored in retirement, Michael Phelps happy to be back at U.S. nationals”: The 29-year-old swimmer said: “Retirement was pretty boring, to be honest. It’s funny — I literally would do nothing. If I was at home, I’d always try to, like, golf, or do something with friends, but everyone was working. Everyone had a job. I’d call and text people. I’d either go to the range and hit balls by myself. It got really boring …”
Yeah, it’s “funny.” A healthy, strong, 29-year-old man retires, discovers other people actually have to work, so he literally does nothing and becomes bored. Gee, who woulda thunk?
“Pete Carroll: Marshawn Lynch far behind other Seahawks in football conditioning”: Somehow, it’s easy to picture Lynch in full Couch Mode when he’s not in Beast Mode. That he couldn’t rouse himself to go with the team to the White House this summer to be honored by the president for their Super Bowl win factors into that picture. Maybe the fans should start throwing energy bars and healthy snacks at the running back, in addition to the Skittles.
“New wearable baby monitor aims to make life easier for new parents”: Gee, what could be more relaxing for new, nervous parents than second-by-second monitoring of a baby’s vital signs?
“Vermont 911 outage affected 83 callers”: The 40-minute outage was caused by a “double equipment failure” followed by another error that left the system unavailable, according to Intrado, of Longmont, Colorado, the company that runs the system.
If this sounds familiar, it’s because the same thing happened in Everett, and other areas of the state, as well as call centers in Oregon, North Carolina and Minnesota in April. After the system was restored, Intrado said changes have been made to prevent another such outage. Oops. Back to the drawing board. Please try to schedule your emergency at a time when the system is working.
“Americans eat more than half their meals alone”: The article begins, “Next time you’re scarfing down that sandwich on a park bench, don’t get too depressed. A new report reveals that Americans are eating meals alone more than half of the time.” Is that supposed to be comforting logic? Don’t be depressed because you’re eating alone — everyone is! Sheesh. It’s crazy and outlandish, but the option still exists to invite someone to join you …
“Anthony Weiner to open New York restaurant”: Oh, for the love of Weinerschnitzel. Is it being funded by a group of late night comedians? “Welcome to Weiners. My name is Anthony and I’ll be your perv, er, server tonight.”
“Distracted-driving teens calling parents”: Oh, dear. Even as the parents hover over the car in their helicopter?
“More than 900 authors protest Amazon in NYT ad”: The Washington Post, which is owned by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, puts it more gently in its headline, “Authors weigh in on Amazon, Hachette dispute.” The words “weigh in” sound like offering an opinion on what to have for lunch. “Protest,” on the other hand, is very clear. (No, Bezos isn’t dictating news coverage or word choice. He doesn’t have to.)
“Red Lobster bets on fancier-looking plates to turn things around”: The struggling chain is now going to plate its entrees vertically, as they do in your “finer” restaurants, where they pile things on top of each other, in a pretty way. OK, fine. But unless the taste matches the presentation, you can stack it any way you want, and it still won’t “turn things around.” In all industries, that’s simply known as “putting lipstick on a pig.” (Even if you add a pretty, vertical hat on top of it.)
For Couch Moders: If you wear your baby’s monitor, it will tell you when you should expect to take your next nap. And when to be fed.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; firstname.lastname@example.org.