Instead of the usual “springing forward” today, try a gymnastics-style front handspring into spring. Use a spotter, of course. (Speaking of which, have you seen the ads for ABC’s latest “reality” show competition called “Splash”? Celebrities, including Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, will train — with help from former Olympic diver Greg Louganis — to compete in the “10-meter high dive and pair off to complete synchronized stunts…” Wow. What a concept. It simply can’t flop. Is it sponsored by “Speed-doh!”?) Let’s flip through the headlines:
•”Michael Jordan’s trainer has program in place for Jordan to attempt comeback”: The legendary NBA player and current Bobcats owner turned 50 in February. Meanwhile, researchers say they are close to discovering a human “hubris chromosome.” Jordan’s trainer would be better off negotiating with Greg Louganis and ABC. With Abdul-Jabbar already on board, they can change the show’s name from “Splash” to “Slam Dunk.”
- ”Scientists discover ‘the Facebook chromosome’”: Researchers call the gene sequence, found in fire ants, the “social chromosome.” So for the love of science, and headline-writing, let’s please not confuse “Facebook” with actual social behavior, or “socializing” as it used to be known.
- ”FBI ‘secretly spying’ on Google users, company reveals” and “Facebook is working on 24/7 location-tracking app” and “U.S. leads the world in requests for users’ Google data” and “Google avoided $2bn tax by funneling profits through Bermuda” and “Judge: We can’t rely on what Apple tells court in privacy suit”: Don’t ever again let anyone call you a “dinosaur” for expressing concern about living our entire lives online.
- ”Is running a marathon really that impressive these days?”: Sigh. Exactly when did Generation Blase, for whom everything is unimpressive or passe, take over entirely?
- ”Sounders’ Schmid: ‘We need to come out a little hungrier’”: Sigi, the highly non-svelte soccer coach, might want to choose his words a little more carefully if the point is to try and motivate his players.
- ”Buffett admits an ‘almost unnatural’ newspaper love”: Actually, it still remains legal in all 50 states. And it’s perfectly natural for those born with the “newspaper chromosome,” researchers say. Not to mention that important “investing” gene.
- ”Kia concept car ‘Provo’ reminds some of IRA terror”: For those in Britain and Ireland, “Provo” is the street name for the dominant branch of the outlawed Irish Republican Army. But here in the U.S, “Provo” is synonymous with “Brigham Young University.” So choice is part of the concept car: Go gangster, or go conduct code.
- ”Drive On: Toyota’s wackiest concept car ever”: Oh, the three-wheeled vehicle isn’t that wacky. It looks like an enclosed version of Batgirl’s motorcycle, all the better to fight crime and not muss one’s superhero hair.
- ”Bizarre recall: Subarus mysteriously start themselves”: Since the carmaker keeps running super cute commercials starring dogs at the wheel, doing the driving, it’s not that mysterious, explained Scooby-Doo, the animated cartoon dog detective. The canines are still learning how to put the car into “drive” before someone in the house realizes the car is running.
- “Bees buzzing on caffeine”: “I’d like a venti half-caf pollencinno, extra nectar.”
For fun this week, dream up a concept car and a celebrity reality TV show, and combine them. (“Mopeds and Muppets on Ice!”)
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472, email@example.com