There is a children’s rhyme that comes to mind when I think of couples and money.
Part of the rhyme goes: “First comes love, then comes marriage.”
The reminder of the refrain says a baby carriage comes next. But the truth is, for many couples, first comes love, then come fights about money.
“We all fight about money just as we do about love,” because “we want to believe that neither has anything to do with the other,” writes Jeff Opdyke, a personal finance reporter whose “Love &Money” column runs Sunday in The Wall Street Journal weekend edition. (The section appears inside The Herald’s Money section each Sunday.) “They do, though. How you manage the financial conflicts that arise – and they will – determines how successful you are in preserving love.”
So how do you stop fighting and fix your money problems?
By talking. Of course, you might need some help in opening the discussion. So for the Color of Money Book Club selection for February I’ve chosen Opdyke’s book, “Love &Money: A Life Guide for Financial Success” (John Wiley &Sons, $24.95).
Opdyke writes that when it comes down to love and money, “Talk is cheap. It’s the silence that’s expensive. … Communicating about your money will better your financial life and help you and your partner build not just a stronger bank balance, but a more robust relationship.”
What I really like are the stories that Opdyke tells about his own struggles with managing money with his wife of 13 years, Amy. Opdyke skips boring us with the technical stuff you often find in personal finance books aimed at couples. Instead he has a series of conversation with readers.
If you are fighting about money, you don’t need a book to tell you which mutual fund to buy. You need to read something that will help you get past the root of your arguments. Fights about money aren’t about the cash you have or don’t have. There’s generally something else going on – someone’s scared, hurt, trying to buy their way to happiness or being miserly because they fear being poor.
The fights also aren’t just because you are money opposites, Opdyke says.
“Financial compatibility isn’t about meshing perfectly with your partner all the time,” he writes. “We all have money quirks; you just rarely pay attention to them until you’re back from the honeymoon and begin to settle into what will become your life together. Instead, compatibility grows because you learn to take the time to talk to one another about your money.”
In “Love &Money,” Opdyke addresses the common financial issues couples face, such as:
* Should you shun someone who is your financial opposite? No, says Opdyke. But you do have to find out something about how your honey handles his or her money. A great way to begin the discussion is to order copies of your credit reports. “That will help you each understand one another’s financial past,” he says.
* Should you have joint accounts? Yes, Opdyke argues. “The logic for maintaining separate accounts is understandable and, in some cases compelling. Often couples want to keep separate accounts so that neither person has to answer to the other for their expenditures.” However, Opdyke says joint accounts don’t limit you. “They’re about liberation,” he writes. “By seeing all the money flowing through your lives, you gain a more meaningful perspective on your family’s real financial picture. More important, knowing that a spouse just might question a purchase likely will prompt you to at least think twice about the necessity of the expense.”
* Should you keep a secret stash of money? Opdyke calls this money laundering. It might work like this. The grocery bill comes to $100 but you write the check for $150, keeping the extra $50 and spending it on what you want without any questions. “On the surface, money laundering would seem to be a quest for financial independence, much like the desire to operate out of individual financial accounts,” Opdyke says. But “laundering is inherently insidious because it destroys the financial honesty and equality that is supposed to cement your relationship.’”
Opdyke ends “Love &Money” with a truism that I think could halt (or at least temper) many financial fights in relationships: “Shine a little light on the dark recesses of your money and share your financial life openly with your partner, and you’ll both be amazed at how your wealth improves – in terms of money and love.”
Washington Post Writers Group
Online book chat
“Love &Money” by Jeff Opdyke, whose column appears in the Wall Street Journal section of The Herald each Sunday, is this month’s selection for Michelle Singletary’s Color of Money Book Club.
For a chance to win a copy of Opdyke’s book, send an e-mail to colorofmoney@washpost.com. You must include your name, address and daytime and evening phone numbers so a book can be sent if you win.
If you’re interested in discussing the book, read it and join Singletary online at www.washingtonpost.com at 9 a.m. Pacific time on Feb. 16. Opdyke will be a guest.
Online book chat
“Love &Money” by Jeff Opdyke, whose column appears in The Herald each Sunday, is this month’s selection for Michelle Singletary’s Color of Money Book Club.
For a chance to win a copy of Opdyke’s book, send an e-mail to colorofmoney@washpost.com. You must include your name, address and daytime and evening phone numbers so a book can be sent if you win.
If you’re interested in discussing the book, read it and join Singletary online at www.washingtonpost.com at 9 a.m. Pacific time on Feb. 16. Opdyke will be a guest.
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