NEW YORK — Holidays, birthdays and other family celebrations often generate concerns about giving presents. But when it comes to gift-giving anxiety, nothing tops a wedding.
Where are they registered? Is it OK to give cash? Do I have to cover the cost of my plate at the reception? What if I can’t fit that into my budget?
“There are all kinds of myths out there,” said Peggy Post, director of the Emily Post Institute. It’s easy to stumble over what’s acceptable, especially because many brides and grooms themselves don’t know the rules, and can misfire with gift requests.
The first rule the happy couple should follow is to avoid bringing up the topic, Post said.
“Most people like to receive a wedding invitation, but don’t like to have a card fall out that says, ‘Here’s where we’re registered,’” she said. Some retailers provide those cards and encourage inserting them in invitations, but Post said that’s bad advice. “A lot of people feel that it’s putting too much emphasis on a gift.”
Instead, she said, wait for the guest to ask what type of gift is desired. “Then it’s certainly appropriate,” Post said.
Cultural traditions can add to the confusion.
When Alejandra Ramos and Eugene Smolenskiy first started dating, they attended the wedding of one of his family members. “I asked him where they were registered,” she recalled. He had no idea what she was talking about, because in his family, cash is the typical gift.
“I had always just done gifts off the registry,” Ramos said. As they started planning their own wedding, scheduled for January 2011, the issue came up again. She had to explain to her fiance the concept behind picking items for a registry and sharing the list with family and friends.
Ramos said the idea of registering appeals to her, because it can result in items that will last a lifetime and remind her of her special day. “I love the idea of looking back 10 years from now when I’m making dinner and remembering that this is the pot my aunt gave me for my wedding,” she said.
Tradition also plays a part. Julia Tyson and Tyler Santerre are planning their wedding for September 2011 in Vermont, and while they prefer cash because they’re trying to save for a house, she said they’ll also register.
“There’s some more traditional guests, especially on my side of the family, that are not going to want to give money,” she said. She knows, for instance, that her grandmother plans to give her china. “I can’t imagine her writing a check.”
While it’s certainly appropriate for couples to request cash gifts, some people do feel uncomfortable about giving them, because the amount they’re giving is plain to see, Post said.
That could drive some to give more than fits their budget, especially if there is a close relationship with the couple.
“Weddings are so wrapped in emotion,” said Pat Seaman of the National Endowment for Financial Education. Many guests may feel an impulse to demonstrate their feelings toward the couple with a lavish gift, whether or not they can afford it.
Seaman pointed out that being a wedding guest can become an expensive proposition. The celebration of a marriage often includes an engagement party, a bridal shower, a bachelor or bachelorette party and a rehearsal dinner, in addition to the actual ceremony and reception. Parents of young children might also have to pay for child care expenses — sometimes more than once. The growing popularity of destination weddings can add even more costs.
These expenses, from travel to clothing to gifts, must be planned ahead. “Think about weddings as a budgetable expense, just like groceries and utilities and special occasions and budgeting for Thanksgiving dinner,” Seaman said.
That includes dismissing the worry about whether you should give as much to the couple as they are spending to host you at their reception.
“I don’t think that’s the best way to think about a wedding,” Seaman said. “It’s not a financial transaction.”
Ramos said she’s heard people mention that concern, but as a bride, she doesn’t expect guests to consider what she’s spending.
“If I throw a dinner party and someone brings a bottle of wine, I don’t expect them to cover the price of (what) I’m serving,” she said. “They’re not buying a ticket to the wedding, they’re coming to share in the moment.”
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