When financial help from parents is not equal

So much of personal finance is personal and emotional. During a recent online discussion, a reader asked a question about a situation that’s all too common. And as part of a regular feature on family financial disagreements, I want to address the issues the person raised.

The background: This is a story about two brothers. Their parents have provided significant financial support for the children of the elder son. The parents are now assisting him with paying his own bills, as he is unemployed. The second son is, and has always been, financially responsible and a saver.

The conflict: The younger son’s child has not received the same financial support as his or her cousins.

The reader, who is either the younger son or his wife (the question was sent anonymously), wrote: “I fully understand that grandparents do not owe their grandchildren anything. However, how does one cope when the grandparents provided free day care and then financed half of several years of education for their first two grandchildren, have acknowledged doing so, and refuse to even consider doing the same for their last grandchild because they are now supporting their unemployed first child? First son is a spendthrift who never saved a dime and has been unemployed for seven years.”

Here’s the defining line that pretty much sums up the conflict: “It feels almost as if our family is being punished for responsible fiscal behavior.”

The bottom line: Even when we become adults, it’s hard to not fall back to childlike behavior or emotions. This is really at the heart of this situation. It is and it isn’t about the money. It’s about feeling that things aren’t fair. The reader admitted: “This is difficult to get past.”

As a parent, I’ve seen this play out many times among my children. One gets a bigger piece of cake. You don’t intend to cut it larger, but you do, and another child objects. You try to explain that in life things aren’t always fair.

My husband and I have explained that there will be times when one may get more than another according to need. My son has autism, and often there are allowances we make for him or things he gets that our two girls don’t get because their brother needs more help.

In the reader’s case, I understand that the second son is feeling that his parents have been unfair in their financial support, even though it doesn’t appear that his child has the same need as his brother’s children. You want good behavior to be rewarded.

But is what the grandparents are doing really a punishment, as the reader claimed? Because that would mean they intentionally decided not to give to the second son’s family. What’s more likely the case is that they see that the second son has been a good financial steward and, as a result, his family can make do without assistance. But they don’t want the children of their ne’er-do-well son to suffer. Should they stretch themselves to help the last grandchild just so the second son won’t feel bad?

If the grandparents have limited resources, which we all do, they may have chosen to put their money to use for the children who needed it most. They could have made a choice based on their perception of need.

Still, if the second son really thinks his parents are delivering a punishment, he should share his feelings with them. Perhaps getting their perspective may convince him that they love him equally even if their money is dispensed in what appears to be an unequal way. Despite saying otherwise, deep down, the second son is measuring his parents’ love by what they are doing with their money.

Here’s what might also be addressed if there’s a candid conversation. Maybe the parents aren’t actually helping their firstborn by supporting him financially. The grandkids, I see. However, unless there are mitigating circumstances, giving money to a grown man who won’t save and hasn’t worked for seven years is enabling bad behavior. That is not a good use of the parents’ money.

So there are really two issues here.

The second son does have to get over what his parents have given to his brother’s children. His reward for being fiscally responsible is that his child can count on him. That’s priceless.

As to the parents’ support of the older brother, a conversation about his situation may get the parents to see they could be arresting his development.

So communicate. Find out their motives. Share the hurt and choose to heal, because it’s not about the money.