Don’t confuse profound love with flashiness

Carolyn Hax is away. The following is from Aug. 6, 2003.

Dear Carolyn:

I am a die-hard romantic. I tried to fight it and say I wasn’t, but it’s true. My ex-boyfriend told me that what I wanted didn’t exist, but I still believe that out there somewhere are people who love somebody so much they show it in big or caring ways.

Am I holding out for something that doesn’t exist? I have never broken up with someone because the romance wasn’t there, but I am afraid I can’t be happy without it.

— Romantic at Heart

So wait. If people don’t show their love in big or caring ways, they don’t love you “so much”?

Grab the Harlequin off your nightstand and slap yourself with it.

You’re being rigid, not romantic. There are as many ways to show profound love as there are profound loves.

You want someone who both loves you deeply and loves you flashy; that’s fine, but don’t make the mistake of assuming one means the other. If the size of the display were a true measure of depth, then “If you really loved me, you’d put me on the side of a bus” would be a cliche. Which would actually be an improvement. So never mind.

The bigger mistake would be to believe the greatest love is the one that fits your preconceived notions. Sure, on some level, you’re going to want what you want — someone who remembers your birthday and listens to you and doesn’t say too many obnoxious things — and you shouldn’t want anything less.

But no one wants to follow a script, yours or anyone else’s, for what romance “should” be. And even if you found someone who did, please tell me you wouldn’t want him; you’d never be sure it wasn’t an act. Real people showing real love in their own real ways can hurt you (never maliciously), frustrate you and spill wine on your favorite shoes — and surprise the hell out of you every single day with the number of ways they show love. That is, if you get your head out of your rose petals.

Dear Carolyn:

I have been with my fiancee for 4½ years. We met our freshman year in college and got engaged five months ago. My fiancee recently expressed feelings of doubt because she doesn’t know “what else is out there.” I am crushed and don’t know what to do. I never thought she would be the one to go through something like this.

— Hurting in GA

Rule No. 1, never think something can’t happen. Loss is always possible. The strongest hearts are the flexible ones.

Rule No. 2, never take it personally when fiancees you met in freshman year say they don’t know what else is out there.

Instead of seeing that as proof she isn’t in love, and therefore proof you’re a bad person, see it as proof her synapses work. She has experienced adulthood, all 20 minutes of it, only with you.

If you marry now, you, too, will never have lived a conscious day without a certainty in your future — first school, then fiancee. So grieve, of course, but also let your synapses take the hint: Go find out who you are without anything else to define you.