N ancy Mitchell hates having to be so blunt, but your etiquette aptitude is disturbingly low.
Honestly, there’s a good chance that it stinks.
Which is why Mitchell, who was director of special events and public programs for the Library of Congress for 23 years, is standing in a classroom enumerating do’s and you-shouldn’ts for her “Extreme Etiquette” seminar in Washington, D.C.
“I’m going to send you out that door tonight with a manners makeover,” Mitchell, 59, announces to a group seated in a room that includes a folding table full of neatly positioned china.
This, she tells her charges, will be a lesson in how to put others’ comfort above your own. Not that the fine points of good manners are a completely selfless act. You want to get ahead? Learn some manners is Mitchell’s advice.
“Who’s in sales?” she asks, surveying the 20 or so people who’ve plopped down $29 for this experience.
A woman in her 20s in the back slowly raises her hand. She’s a brave soul. After all, this is a class where everything you do and say could potentially be picked apart.
“C’mon, who’s in sales?” No one else replies.
“Everyone raise your hands!” Mitchell squeals. Hands creep up, then, finally, everyone seems to get it. They’re all in sales!
“And what are we selling?
“You. We’re selling you,” Mitchell says. “You are the salesperson and you are the product.”
Only 7 percent of your overall impression is from the actual words you speak, she tells them. Fifty-five percent of the message you send is from your appearance. The rest? It really doesn’t matter, since, according to Mitchell, you’ve only got about five seconds to make that first impression.
“Five,” she mouths and holds up her hand. And it can take you months, even years, to undo it, she stresses.
The room sits up a little straighter.
“It’s OK to say that I’m going to do this for me, but it’s also for the good of society in general,” she says reassuringly. Standing, slender in a tailored mustard pantsuit, Mitchell wears a single seashell necklace and matching ivory earrings. And she’s slipped on a pair of smart cobalt glasses that rest on the tip of her nose.
Caterer Ernest Suesbury opens his notebook, preparing to jot down Mitchell’s pointers. He was among the early arrivals, which isn’t a bad thing, unless of course, you’re arriving early for a dinner party. Suesbury decided to bone up on his etiquette because his work brings him into contact with so many dignitaries.
Etiquette often involves simple, everyday matters. Do we answer our cell phones while out with friends? Mitchell asks.
“One of the rules I have is when my wife calls, wherever I am, I answer the call,” says Bob Spearing, a space communications director at NASA. Mitchell, who’s been pacing, stops cold. “Would it be earth-shattering if you called her back 20 minutes later?”
“It just might be,” a woman retorts with a chuckle.
What about BlackBerrys? A man waves his in the air.
Uh-uh.
When going through a receiving line, never conduct business. When at a buffet-style event, don’t bring two or more plates back to your seat.
“The host didn’t invite you because he or she thought you were hungry or thirsty,” Mitchell says, her voice a little shrill.
And don’t even think about asking for special foods unless the host offers.
And nobody – nobody – likes a limp handshake.
“I’m sorry to say some people have a very wet handshake,” Mitchell says after demonstrating the proper grip, “but do not – do not – wipe your hand.”
At the Library of Congress, she planned more than 400 events, from small meetings to black-tie galas honoring foreign dignitaries. Since retiring, she’s been teaching etiquette and protocol at George Washington University, and two years ago started her consulting firm, the Etiquette Advocate.
Attendees assess their etiquette aptitude as Mitchell goes over “correct” answers for an earlier quiz.
Question 18: When waiting for your guest to arrive at a restaurant, you may order a beverage or cocktail.
“Who said false?” asks Mitchell, peering over the tops of her blue frames.
This time the hands fly up.
And that, Mitchell says, “does my heart good.”
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