Q: My 13-year old son told my husband and me that his gender identity is “non-binary” and that he wants to start using different pronouns —”they” and “their” instead of “he” and “him.” I have no idea what any of this means. Can you help?
A: Last year, my daughter took a class in high school on “social issues,” and she introduced me to a whole dictionary’s worth of words and phrases I never thought I’d need to know about (and some I’d never even heard of). Things like trans, non-binary, gender fluid, polyamorous, top- and bottom surgery, cis, dysphoria, and the ones you’re struggling with now, gender identity vs. sexual orientation. I’m going to devote this column to some basic definitions (we can talk about parenting strategies in a future column), but I strongly suggest that you and your husband sit down with your child and ask them (yes, “them,” not “him,” since that’s the pronoun they want you to use) as many questions as you have.
Let’s start with gender and sex. A lot of people use the two words interchangeably, but there are some important differences. “Sex” refers to the anatomical organs a person is born with (sometimes referred to as “assigned at birth.”) A person’s “gender,” however, refers to social roles and behaviors. As my daughter put it, sex is between your legs; gender is between your ears.
The difference between sexual orientation and gender identity is similar, but also a lot more complicated. Sexual orientation refers to the type of person one is romantically or sexually attracted to. Someone who’s attracted to people of the opposite sex are “straight,” or “heterosexual,” while those attracted to people of the same sex are “gay” or “homosexual.” “Bisexual,” as you’ve probably figured out, refers to people who are attracted to both sexes. “Pansexual” means the attraction goes beyond same-sex or opposite sex and may include trans people as well.
One’s gender identity refers to how a person feels inside, male, female, neither, or both. “Cisgender” (from the Latin for “on this side of” or “near”) is the term used to describe someone whose gender identity matches his or her sex. In other words, a boy or man who feels male or a girl or woman who feels female. People who feel as if they were born into the wrong body may describe themselves as “trans,” “gender non-conforming,” “non-binary,” or possibly even “genderqueer.” Some people may identify as “gender fluid,” meaning that they feel like a different gender at different times.
The more you learn about sex and gender, the better you’ll feel —and the more supported your child will feel. Be patient. You’re all at the very early stages of a long journey and you’ll need to have more than one talk — probably a lot more than one. Check out Diane Ehrensaft’s book, “The Gender Creative Child,” GenderSpectrum, and Trans Student Educational Resources (www.transstudent.org/gender).
— Armin Brott
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