Dear Grandparenting:
I had a very interesting trip back East to meet my great-granddaughter, Mary Louise. Mary Ellen, the new mother and my youngest granddaughter, beat everyone else to punch in the baby department.
Mary Ellen wanted her space and then I flew in for five nights. She had near constant company with friends and whoever else coming by. I must have blended into the woodwork, because they all talked about everything right in front of me, uncensored.
Turns out that my granddaughter, 19, and a goodly number in her circle have something in common — baby yes, husband no. That’s how they want to go. When I asked where her man was, Mary Louise said, “We’re just partners now and that is totally A-OK.” End of discussion!
This may be too pessimistic, but I worry what my great-grandchild’s trajectory will look like. Who pays the freight? Will she be raised by a series of different guys, or live in different places or who knows where? You see where I am going. Is marriage really so optional nowadays?
— Nicky Yates, Everett
Dear Nicky:
Daresay the operative term could be the “new normal”? Traditional marriage is the bedrock stuff of American society, but that’s changing fast like everything else, especially among the so-called millennial generation born before 2000, your granddaughter included.
An unmarried mother was once something to whisper about — in 1960, a mere 5 percent hadn’t tied the knot before childbirth. That number has risen steadily since, and the stigma generally gone. Four out of every 10 new mothers are independent actors, either going it alone, cohabitating or just partners.
But millennial grandchildren, many in their prime childbearing years, are the biggest holdouts. Among this generation, marriage is the least popular option — for nearly two-thirds of their newborns (and your great-grandchild), the birth parents are unmarried. Marriage has slipped to second place behind a career and financial stability. More women have decided they don’t need unproductive males hanging around interfering with their motherhood.
Existing studies of children born to single mothers are not full of good news for parent or child. Both are likely to have fewer options in life, burdened by uncertainties and insecurities and family issues and patterns. We hope millennials do better.
Grand remark of the week
Chick from Kingsport, Tennessee, remembers how his grandmother made him feel “like she had been waiting all week for my visit and her week was now complete.
“I never got the hang of looking like I waited a whole week,” Chick said. “But I do waiting one day pretty good. When my grandchildren are coming by, I clear the decks, buy one gallon of strawberry ice cream and spend the morning tidying up.”
Dee and Tom, married more than 50 years, have eight grandchildren. Together with Key, they welcome questions, suggestions and Grand Remarks of the Week. Send to P.O. Box 27454, Towson, MD, 21285. Call 410-963-4426.
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