Q: My girlfriend and I are having a very tough time trying to co-parent with my ex. She’s very angry I have moved on and rarely talks to me, never returns my phone calls or texts. If my girlfriend has to pick up the kids, it’s World War III. I’ve read tons of books. The pop psychology is worthless. Give me some real-life ex-etiquette solutions.
A: I’m quite good friends with my bonuskids’ mother, Sharyl. Now that the kids are adults we don’t speak every day like we used to, but we have an ongoing group text that we use to discuss family get-togethers, so we always know what each other is doing and see each other at every family gathering.
Like you, the first couple of years were really crazy — so crazy that in order to prevent fights in public (my husband and Sharyl) we had to assign different days to go to the only restaurant in town. Sharyl and I never got into formal arguments, but the tension associated with sharing the kids was difficult on everyone. The turning point for us came when we saw first hand how our inability to get along affected the kids. We had created two very distinct factions with very little communication between homes. This automatically made the kids into messengers. There was a lot of, “Call your mom and tell her …” Or, “Tell your dad to call me …” If a child passes on info and it makes the receiving parent angry, the child becomes afraid to say anything. You end up with very anxious children and possibly inaccurate information being passed between homes because kids try to buffer bad news.
So, how did we make the transition from enemies to friends? We started putting the kids first. Sounds cliché, but it’s the answer — and the first rule of the Ten Rules of Good Ex-etiquette for Parents, “Put the children first.”
It’s important to say that all ten rules are the result of real life experiences.
For example, here’s why I included “Ask for help if you need it,” as rule No. 2. Sharyl was a working mom. I was too, but I had a home office and so I was available to pick the kids up after school and watch them until she got home from work. She hated that. She wanted to be there on her weeks, and if she was stuck in traffic it just made her feel even worse. One day she called me. That was a stretch for her, but she put her child first and asked if I’d pick up her son because she was running late. I’ll never forget what she said, “I need your help. I know you don’t want him sitting at school alone either.” And she was right. It was my pleasure to help, but I was afraid to offer because I thought it would make her angry. The next time I needed help, I reached out to her. We learned to “Ask for help if we needed it.” We realized we didn’t have to do it by ourselves. There was someone who cared as much as we did. That became the groundwork for good ex-etiquette. Someone just has to start.
Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
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