Take it in stride when adolescents forge ahead

There was a moment when things changed between us forever. The change couldn’t happen before it did, and once it did, there was no going back.

Before the moment, I jogged with my prepuberty son a couple of times a week. I sometimes had to coax him to keep up or catch up. I occasionally waited for him, jogging in place to stay warm.

When the moment came, it was early evening. We were jogging south on Colby Avenue, along the east edge of the Everett Golf and Country Club.

Suddenly, he simply pulled away from me. I watched in a surprise wave of pride flavored ever so slightly with sadness.

The pride came from watching him stride out, relaxed and smooth, with more athletic bounce than, it seemed, just a day before. The sadness was in recognition that we’d loped past a developmental landmark, never to return.

Most parents who have had chances to raise adolescents recognize that moment; they have experienced it several times and in different ways. The changes are not mere growth.

They are not simply a matter of the youngster being able to do or think about something a little better. Their changes are into something quite different.

Many physical changes can be seen. In fact, they are unavoidable: hair in different places and voices in different registers; strength to do more, faster and longer; sudden growth spurts.

But there are other dimensions to these changes. Teenagers are famous for emotional ups and downs during which they can go from giddy to despairing for no visible reason and with no tangible warning.

They notice and think about new things. They ask new questions and try on new ideas. They notice hypocrisies. They feel more intensely.

Their interests change. As many as 70 percent of the children who play sports in grade school drop those activities at the ages of 13 and 14. For those youngsters, the games are just “no fun” anymore.

Some youngsters start new sports at that age having shown no interest before.

New tools such as the MRI – Magnetic Resonating Imagery – show that many adolescent changes that look emotional and mental are based on physical changes. It is comforting for parents, I think, to know that changes that seem abstract are grounded in measurable physical changes.

The physical changes are not just in hormones. It is not just, for example, that surging hormones drive impulsive behaviors. It is also that judgment-making parts of the brain are still maturing.

Parts of the brain keep growing throughout teenage years and into young adulthood. There is also some pruning away of certain parts of the brain. Growing and pruning are both parts of young brains getting organized.

It isn’t so important to know what parts are growing and what parts are getting pruned away. It is important to know that growing and pruning is as much a part of teenage brains as losing baby fat and gaining muscle is a part of teenage athletes’ bodies.

It crystallizes a couple points.

First, what teenagers are doing with their time, mind and energy makes a difference. Their relationships, activities, and interests affect the growth and pruning that goes on in their brains.

Second, parents and other adults are still crucially important in the lives of their teenage offspring.

Time magazine makes this point often and well. One psychologist stresses that, “It matters what you do; good parenting matters” (May 10, 2004).

Parents and teenagers learn from each other when they talk about the decisions they both make. Having as few rules as possible but as many as necessary forces negotiation, and negotiation encourages conversation.

The relationship is good for parents too. After all, just because your children can run faster doesn’t mean you stop jogging.

Bill France, a father of three, is a child advocate in the criminal justice system and has worked as director of clinical programs at Luther Child Center in Everett. He is on the Snohomish County Child Death Review Committee, and the Advisory Board for the Tulalip Children’s Advocacy Center. You can send e-mail to bsjf@gte.net.