The White House exit interview:

"Won’t you sit down, Mr. Doppler? We appreciate your stopping by — always like to have a few words with our outbound personnel."

"Glad to do it."

"This shouldn’t take very long. All your paperwork seems to be in order, including your final evaluations from your superiors — quite impressive, actually. You seem to have been a model public servant."

"That’s very kind of them. I’ve certainly tried to be."

"Oh, absolutely! I’m sure they’re very sorry to lose you — you’ve been at the White House since … ?"

"Early ‘82 — first Reagan term. Then Bush 41, Clinton, Bush 43 … "

"And you’ve decided it’s time to make a move — well, I can certainly understand that. What are you thinking of doing?"

"Not really sure yet. Take a little time off, do some traveling, maybe a little writing."

"Excuse me?"

"Take a little time — "

"No, the last thing."

"Oh — maybe do a little writing. You know, a memoir or something."

"I assume you’d be complimentary? Of this administration, at least?"

"I guess. I really haven’t thought it through. I imagine I’d get into some of the disagreements as well. You know, try to be balanced."

"I see."

"The full story, warts and all."

"I see."

"Otherwise, what’s the point of writing it?"

"You understand, of course, that the White House will be obliged to point out your various shortcomings. If you write a book, I mean."

"Of course. Even though you just said I was a model public servant."

"Exactly. We’d probably characterize you as a model of selfishness, or partisanship, or egomania — something like that."

"I understand."

"A ‘difficult’ employee."

"Sure."

"With an ax to grind."

"Whatever."

"And of course, we couldn’t afford to have your charges, whatever they might be, gain any traction with the public, so we’d have to try to destroy your credibility."

"Naturally."

"And when I say ‘we,’ I mean people at the highest levels — from the president on down, if necessary. The vice president, the chief of staff, the national security adviser — 10 minutes’ notice, and we can get Condi Rice on every morning news show in the country."

"Blistering, merciless, personal attack."

"Exactly. Just so you understand."

"Of course — why should I be treated better than anyone else who leaves?"

"We want to be fair."

"Naturally."

"Naturally."

Rick Horowitz is a nationally syndicated columnist. Contact him by writing to

rickhoro@execpc.com.