Sexy men? I prefer them in song, not thong

Funny, I wasn’t invited to Las Vegas to help pick a beauty king.

Did the brains behind Fox Television’s "Sexiest Bachelor in America" pageant misfire? When they rounded up a panel of female judges, they forgot how discerning this woman can be.

So I wasn’t at the MGM Grand hotel Sept. 12 to ogle 51 single men. If I want to find out which guy will wear a crown I’ll have to tune in to the spectacle, airing Monday from 8 to 10 p.m. on KCPQ, Channel 13. Not only will men compete on "looks, style and personality," says a Fox news release, but — oh boy — they’ll "participate in formal wear and bathing suit contests."

Fat chance I’ll watch. Bellevue’s Steven Gartner, representing Washington in the contest, should take no offense. A huge viewing audience will find the 29-year-old Web wizard and his fellow competitors hotter-than-hot, no doubt.

Me? I’m as likely as not to pin a sexiest-man-on-TV label on "Wall Street Week" host Louis Rukeyser. There’s a gentleman I’m happy to see every Friday night. Sorry, Fox, I am the wrong demographic for your foray into this Mr. Beautiful business.

The pageant’s eligibility requirements alone are a tip-off to how young these beauties will be. In addition to being male, contestants had to be 21 or older, single, never married, and not engaged. They could have no children. Basically, the rules mean these men probably don’t have a care in the world. No wonder they look great.

Next time around, Fox ought to consider an ever-so-slightly older female audience. And look, I have my judging checklist all set for "Sexiest Bachelor in America II."

Here are my criteria. I’m guessing judges of Monday’s pageant missed some of these standards entirely:

  • I won’t lie, looks count. I never said my head couldn’t be turned by the right combination of superficial qualities. Tall is good. Blue eyes are good. Neither is required. More important attributes follow.

  • Is he funny? The question isn’t whether he can do stand-up. Can he look at the world (or his boss or the bad weather on a long-awaited vacation) and see the humor? If he brings cheer to his world, that’s a beautiful thing.

  • He has to be smart — not Ph.D. or organic chemistry smart, but smart enough to get the answers on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." He has to have a book going. He has to know who Frank Lloyd Wright was and what apartheid means. He has to read the newspaper, that is required.

  • Beautiful men have work they care about. It needn’t be highly paid work, although that doesn’t hurt. If a man hates his work, he hates his life. That’s not a pretty picture.

  • What’s in his wallet? Cash is nice, but I’d like to see a voter registration card, a library card, a valid driver’s license, pictures of loved ones, all signs of stability and concern for something beyond self.

  • Skip the formal wear. If a clothing segment is a pageant must, put the guys in khaki pants and oxford-cloth shirts, and watch the women swoon.

  • I have one thing to say about swimsuits. Must they? Fitness is a worthy goal. Six-pack abs? I couldn’t care less. Please, no skimpy Speedos, no thongs, nothing icky. I have a knee-length, unisex pair of UW Husky gym shorts. Contestants in any future pageant are welcome to borrow them. They look good with well-used running shoes.

    Don’t look for my brand of rumpled men in any prime-time beauty contest. It’s not going to happen. Anyway, there are other men to watch. The Seattle Seahawks play the Kansas City Chiefs at 6 p.m. Monday on KOMO-TV, Channel 4. That goofy Dennis Miller, Monday Night Football’s new jester, is a beautiful alternative to the beefcake on Fox.

    Talk to us

    > Give us your news tips.

    > Send us a letter to the editor.

    > More Herald contact information.

  • More in Local News

    Customers enter and exit the Costco on Dec. 2, 2022, in Lake Stevens. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
    Costco stores could be impacted by looming truck driver strike threat

    Truck drivers who deliver groceries and produce to Costco warehouses… Continue reading

    Two Washington State ferries pass along the route between Mukilteo and Clinton as scuba divers swim near the shore Sunday, Oct. 22, 2023, in Mukilteo, Washington. (Ryan Berry / The Herald)
    Ferry system increases ridership by a half million in 2024

    Edmonds-Kingston route remains second-busiest route in the system.

    Alina Langbehn, 6, center, and Vera A., 6, right, sit on a swing together at Drew Nielsen Neighborhood Park after school on Tuesday, Jan. 28, 2025 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
    Everett council votes to renovate Drew Nielsen Park

    Construction on the $345,000 upgrade could start as early as this fall.

    Northshore School District bus driver Stewart O’Leary pictured next to his buses shattered drivers side windshield on Friday, Feb. 14, 2025 in Bothell, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
    ‘Put me in, coach’: Bus driver back at work after struck by metal bar

    Stewart O’Leary, a Northshore employee, has received national attention for his composure during a frightening bus trip.

    Lynnwood councilor Joshua Binda speaks during a Lynnwood City Council meeting on Wednesday, Nov. 20, 2024. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
    Does the Lynnwood Council VP live in Lynnwood? It’s hard to say.

    Josh Binda’s residency has been called into question following an eviction and FEC filings listing an Everett address. He insists he lives in Lynnwood.

    Robin Cain with 50 of her marathon medals hanging on a display board she made with her father on Thursday, Jan. 2, 2025 in Lake Stevens, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
    Running a marathon is hard. She ran one in every state.

    Robin Cain, of Lake Stevens, is one of only a few thousand people to ever achieve the feat.

    People line up to grab food at the Everett Recovery Cafe on Wednesday, Dec. 4, 2024 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
    Coffee, meals and compassion are free at the Everett Recovery Cafe

    The free, membership-based day center offers free coffee and meals and more importantly, camaraderie and recovery support.

    The Everett Wastewater Treatment Plant along the Snohomish River on Thursday, June 16, 2022 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
    Everett water, sewer rates could jump 43% by 2028

    The rate hikes would pay for improvements to the city’s sewer infrastructure.

    The bond funded new track and field at Northshore Middle School on Thursday, Oct. 24, 2024 in Bothell, Washington. (Courtesy of Northshore School District)
    Northshore School District bond improvements underway

    The $425 million bond is funding new track and field complexes, playgrounds and phase one of two school replacements.

    An American Robin picks a berry from a holly tree on Thursday, Feb. 13, 2025 in Edmonds, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
    Calling all birders for the annual Great Backyard Bird Count

    The Audubon Society will hold its 28th annual Great Backyard… Continue reading

    A view of one of the potential locations of the new Aquasox stadium on Monday, Feb. 26, 2024 in Everett, Washington. The site sits between Hewitt Avenue, Broadway, Pacific Avenue and the railroad. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
    Initial prep work for AquaSox stadium to start, with $200k price tag

    The temporary agreement allows some surveying and design work as the city negotiates contracts with designers and builders.

    Aaron Kennedy / The Herald
The Joann Fabric and Crafts store at 7601 Evergreen Way, Everett, is one of three stores in Snohomish County that will close as part of the retailer’s larger plan to shutter more than half of its stores nationwide.
    Joann store closure plan includes Everett, Arlington, Lynnwood locations

    The retail giant filed a motion in court to close approximately 500 stores in the U.S.

    Support local journalism

    If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.