Sexy men? I prefer them in song, not thong

Funny, I wasn’t invited to Las Vegas to help pick a beauty king.

Did the brains behind Fox Television’s "Sexiest Bachelor in America" pageant misfire? When they rounded up a panel of female judges, they forgot how discerning this woman can be.

So I wasn’t at the MGM Grand hotel Sept. 12 to ogle 51 single men. If I want to find out which guy will wear a crown I’ll have to tune in to the spectacle, airing Monday from 8 to 10 p.m. on KCPQ, Channel 13. Not only will men compete on "looks, style and personality," says a Fox news release, but — oh boy — they’ll "participate in formal wear and bathing suit contests."

Fat chance I’ll watch. Bellevue’s Steven Gartner, representing Washington in the contest, should take no offense. A huge viewing audience will find the 29-year-old Web wizard and his fellow competitors hotter-than-hot, no doubt.

Me? I’m as likely as not to pin a sexiest-man-on-TV label on "Wall Street Week" host Louis Rukeyser. There’s a gentleman I’m happy to see every Friday night. Sorry, Fox, I am the wrong demographic for your foray into this Mr. Beautiful business.

The pageant’s eligibility requirements alone are a tip-off to how young these beauties will be. In addition to being male, contestants had to be 21 or older, single, never married, and not engaged. They could have no children. Basically, the rules mean these men probably don’t have a care in the world. No wonder they look great.

Next time around, Fox ought to consider an ever-so-slightly older female audience. And look, I have my judging checklist all set for "Sexiest Bachelor in America II."

Here are my criteria. I’m guessing judges of Monday’s pageant missed some of these standards entirely:

  • I won’t lie, looks count. I never said my head couldn’t be turned by the right combination of superficial qualities. Tall is good. Blue eyes are good. Neither is required. More important attributes follow.

  • Is he funny? The question isn’t whether he can do stand-up. Can he look at the world (or his boss or the bad weather on a long-awaited vacation) and see the humor? If he brings cheer to his world, that’s a beautiful thing.

  • He has to be smart — not Ph.D. or organic chemistry smart, but smart enough to get the answers on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." He has to have a book going. He has to know who Frank Lloyd Wright was and what apartheid means. He has to read the newspaper, that is required.

  • Beautiful men have work they care about. It needn’t be highly paid work, although that doesn’t hurt. If a man hates his work, he hates his life. That’s not a pretty picture.

  • What’s in his wallet? Cash is nice, but I’d like to see a voter registration card, a library card, a valid driver’s license, pictures of loved ones, all signs of stability and concern for something beyond self.

  • Skip the formal wear. If a clothing segment is a pageant must, put the guys in khaki pants and oxford-cloth shirts, and watch the women swoon.

  • I have one thing to say about swimsuits. Must they? Fitness is a worthy goal. Six-pack abs? I couldn’t care less. Please, no skimpy Speedos, no thongs, nothing icky. I have a knee-length, unisex pair of UW Husky gym shorts. Contestants in any future pageant are welcome to borrow them. They look good with well-used running shoes.

    Don’t look for my brand of rumpled men in any prime-time beauty contest. It’s not going to happen. Anyway, there are other men to watch. The Seattle Seahawks play the Kansas City Chiefs at 6 p.m. Monday on KOMO-TV, Channel 4. That goofy Dennis Miller, Monday Night Football’s new jester, is a beautiful alternative to the beefcake on Fox.

    Talk to us

  • More in Local News

    Marysville firefighters respond to a 12-year-old boy who fell down a well Tuesday May 30, 2023 in Marysville, Washington. (Photo provided by Marysville Fire District)
    Marysville firefighters save boy who fell 20 feet into well

    The 12-year-old child held himself up by grabbing on to a plastic pipe while firefighters worked to save him.

    Highway 9 is set to be closed in both directions for a week as construction crews build a roundabout at the intersection with Vernon Road. (Washington State Department of Transportation)
    Weeklong closure coming to Highway 9 section in Lake Stevens

    Travelers should expect delays or find another way from Friday to Thursday between Highway 204 and Lundeen Parkway.

    Students arriving off the bus get in line to score some waffles during a free pancake and waffle breakfast at Lowell Elementary School on Friday, May 26, 2023, in Everett, Washington. (Ryan Berry / The Herald)
    800 free pancakes at Everett’s Lowell Elementary feed the masses

    The annual breakfast was started to connect the community and the school, as well as to get people to interact.

    Marysville Mayor Jon Nehring speaks at the groundbreaking event for the I-5/SR 529 Interchange project on Tuesday, May 23, 2023 in Marysville, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
    $123M project starting on Highway 529 interchange, I-5 HOV lane

    A reader wondered why the highway had a lane closure despite not seeing work done. Crews were waiting on the weather.

    Justin Bell was convicted earlier this month of first-degree assault for a December 2017 shooting outside a Value Village in Everett. (Caleb Hutton / Herald file)
    Court: Snohomish County jurors’ opaque masks didn’t taint verdict

    During the pandemic, Justin Bell, 32, went on trial for a shooting. Bell claims his right to an impartial jury was violated.

    Gary Fontes uprights a tree that fell over in front of The Fontes Manor — a miniature handmade bed and breakfast — on Friday, May 12, 2023, at his home near Silver Lake in Everett, Washington. (Ryan Berry / The Herald)
    Everett’s mini-Frank Lloyd Wright builds neighborhood of extra tiny homes

    A tiny lighthouse, a spooky mansion and more: Gary Fontes’ miniature world of architectural wonders is one-twelfth the size of real life.

    Will Steffener
    Inslee appoints Steffener as Superior Court judge

    Attorney Will Steffener will replace Snohomish County Superior Court Judge Janice Ellis, who is retiring in June.

    News logo for use with stories about Mill Creek in Snohomish County, WA.
    Police: Mill Creek man fatally stabbed wife amid financial woes

    After quitting his job at Amazon, the man amassed about $50,000 in debt, triggering a discussion about finances, he told police.

    Outside of the current Evergreen Recovery Centers' housing to treat opioid-dependent moms with their kids on Thursday, May 25, 2023 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
    $8M in behavioral health grants to benefit children, youth, families

    Snohomish County awarded one-time federal funding to five projects that will reach at least 440 new people each year.

    Most Read