The following is an actual e-mail I recently received. The comments are self-explanatory.
“From: MR DENISE ZUMA”
Among others.
“Subject:URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL.”
Aren’t they all?
“You may be surprise to receive this Email from me since you do not know me.”
Not really. I’ve received a lot of e-mails just like this one. I’m collecting them. Eventually I hope to have the whole set.
“I would like to introduce myself. I am Denise Zuma, the son of Doctor. Simon Zuma. Who was murdered few months ago in Zimbabwe, as a result of land dispute?”
Denise, you might want to read up on grammar, syntax and punctuation. I couldn’t diagram that last sentence in a month of Sundays.
“Before the death of my father, he had taken me to Amsterdam and deposit the sum of Fifteen Million United States dollars in a security company, as he foresaw the looming danger in Zimbabwe.”
Some guy in Nigeria named Farouk has $40 million that he needs to deposit somewhere because of an oversight by the Nigerian National Petroleum Co. You holding out on me, Denise?
“The money in question was deposited in a box as Gemstones to avoid much demurrage from the Security Company.”
Pretty big box, I’d bet. Has to be to hold all those three-dollar bills.
“The proposed amount was meant for the purchase of new machines and establishment of new farms on Swaziland. As you may be aware this land problem came into force when Zimbabwe president Mr. Robert Mugabe Introduced the Land Reformed Act of which my father rich farmers ands some black farmers where affected. This resulted to the mob action in Zimbabwe by some lunatics in the society.”
Lunatics in society? Good Lord, you mean there’s more than one Michael Moore?
“It is against this background that my family and I who are currently staying in Amsterdam decided to transfer my father’s money to a foreign account. The Dutch law prohibit a refugee to open any account or be involved in any financial transaction.”
Those heartless Dutch. Have you reported this to the United Nations? If you greased a few palms, they’d probably have a “harshly worded” resolution out before the cocktail hour that even the French would endorse. Of course, if you need the French, there’d have to be a surrender clause in it somewhere.
“As The eldest son of my father I am saddled with the responsibility of seeking a genuine foreign account where the money could be transferred. I am faced with the dilemma of investing this amount of money in Holland for the fear of going through the same experience in future since both countries have similar history. Moreover, The Netherlands foreign exchange policy does not allow such investment from asylum seekers.”
Denise, have you ever thought of trying to get the money to Italy or Sicily? I’d bet you could find lots of guys there willing to help. Tell them Don Corleone sent you.
“I humbly solicit for your assistance in the following:
“Pay a short working day visit to Amsterdam the so that we see face to face, Have a table talk that would create confidence in me that the funds will be safe in your hands and have an agreement from an advocate which will be duly and legally sign in his chambers before taken any step in this transaction.”
I hate cold, wet places. Couldn’t we meet in, say, Sequim?
“Make arrangement for investment and do invest the money for me, I am willing to give you some percentage for your assistance on this, and I offer you 15%. 5% for any expenses including your telephone calls and any other expenses that may arise during this process.”
Only 5 percent for expenses? That’d barely cover my youngest son’s cell phone bills.
“80% would be invested and you get your wages monthly for managing the funds. Please provide me with your telephone and fax number while you maintain the absolute secrecy required in the transaction.”
I have a better idea. How about I give your name to a whole bunch of e-mail sites that promise to enlarge certain parts of your anatomy? For that amount of money, I guarantee they’d get right back to you and I dare them to say anything about your name.
“Sincere Regards, Denise Zuma”
Hey, Denise. There’s this Space Needle I’ve been trying to sell and that $15 million you have would just about cover it. You’ll need a big truck to move it, though. Get hold of Farouk and his $40 million and I think I can come up with one in no time at all.
Best regards, Larry.
Larry Simoneaux lives in Edmonds. Comments can be sent to larrysim@att.net.
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