Let’s review the headlines through our eggnog-fogged glasses:
“If you keep texting, your head will fall off”: The article makes fun of a rash of reports declaring that the condition of “text neck” among phone aficionados has reached near epidemic numbers. The story makes clear that our necks were made to bend, and no such epidemic exists.
Research shows the biggest danger among texters remains walking into things, life traffic, cars and grocery carts or off things, like sidewalks, docks or buses, or down things, such as stairs, holes and escalators. So, in terms of damage, your head might as well fall off.
“Automation makes us dumb”: Nuh-uh. No way.
“Warning: Trans fat could be attacking your memory as well as your waistline, study says”: What? My automated Trans Am is not making me dumb, fat or forgetful. Sheesh.
“Tablet craze cools down as iPad shipments decline”: Turns out tech tastes change even more frequently than fashion trends, and come full circle in some kind of freakishly fast electronic gadgetry orbit due to our demand for instant gratification, and new stuff, even if it’s old stuff, which really isn’t old. For example:
“Flip phones are hip again”: Welcome back, my new, old friend, whom I never abandoned in the first place. To avoid changing-tech-tastes whiplash — a percussor to your head falling off — simply assume everything tech-related (that wasn’t a flop when it comes to form and function) will come full orbit, especially in time for “The Holidays.”
“Online comments are being phased out”: I am not making these headlines up, even if they do seem like my Christmas wish list.
“Your boss would like you to wear a Jawbone fitness tracker”: The silver lining: Jawbone is the name of the company, not the location where the fitness tracker must be worn.
“Singing nun gives pope CD with ‘Like a Virgin’?”: Yep, a real singing nun, giving the Madonna song to the pope. The real pope. Causing me to raise my eyebrows, providing unneeded proof that I’m officially old. The fictional “Flying Nun” didn’t go all “Coffee, Tea or Me?” on us, now did she?
“Do dogs understand words or emotions?”: Read this one aloud. Is your dog rolling her eyes? Or rolling on the floor, laughing?
“U.S. wages seem poised to rise”: Hmm. That seems to be a lot riding on the cross- your-fingers phrase “seem poised…”
“Water alone couldn’t have made Mars hospitable to life”: No indeed. As we know, a hospitable life starts with good coffee and goes from there.
“Annual bird-counting tradition kicks off this weekend”: And the organizers say it wasn’t even funny the first time someone turned in a report that listed: Seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. And no, sightings of Seahawks don’t count either…
Don’t be afraid to call an audible when it comes to your holiday plans.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com
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