Please, naysayers! Trump National Doral is the one and only possible place to host the Group of Seven summit, and it is great luck for the country that it happens to be owned by our generous president, Donald J. Trump. What are the odds of that? Once again, Donald Trump comes through!
We are so blessed in this man. A miracle, truly, that not only is this man willing to be president, but that he happened to own the best possible venue for holiday parties for the attorney general, for visits by the vice president to Ireland, for Saudi-funded lobbyists to just … pay for and not even stay in! Imagine a room so beautiful that you did not even trust yourself to set foot in it! Wow! Like, can you believe our luck, as a country? A lesser man might be influenced by this influx of money, but Donald Trump doesn’t care about money. That is why he hasn’t bothered to release his tax returns. They bore him!
If we’d known before electing him that not only was he all he claimed to be but also that he just happened to be the father-in-law of the one man capable of solving the Middle East, surely we would have rushed to the polls even faster. Did you know that he is even related to Ivanka Trump, a wonderful emissary for our country who sometimes, out of the kindness of her heart, will sit in on important meetings, even though she hasn’t been appointed to an official function? I would never have dreamed that such gifted individuals could come from a single family. But now, I guess, I see it.
If we had known when this country elected him, kind of, that he would turn out to have towers in progress in the last places you would expect, that he would have an extensive web of business dealings we didn’t even know about; we would have jumped for joy. So many presidents come to the job fresh, with no preexisting connections or debts, so when they make baffling foreign policy choices, you feel confident they are just making honest mistakes. But with this president, there are never any mistakes at all.
And now, Doral will host the G-7! Obviously, it is the best spot. To stay at a place that might possibly allegedly just maybe have bedbugs is precisely the kind of treatment our G-7 allies deserve. Not knowing will keep them on their toes, and the fear will sharpen them. Also, it is just the G-7, not any of the really important autocratic regimes we are actually trying to impress as a nation, so even in a worst-case bedbug scenario, how bad could it be?
Will Donald Trump benefit from hosting the event there? Only financially! Only in the sense that this Trump-branded property will get a lot of publicity and people will be forced to pay it money. Meanwhile, consider that every time Donald Trump makes a statement as president and doesn’t mention his properties, he is losing money. This is the least we can do for him.
Follow Alexandra Petri on Twitter @petridishes.