WASHINGTON — "I don’t believe in grays."
The speaker, a hairstylist, wasn’t discussing her talent for applying sable and auburn dyes to clients’ silvery heads.
She was talking about the Palestinian-Israeli conflict. A Muslim-turned-Christian, she admitted that there have been innocent victims on both sides. "But I side more with Israel," she said. "For me, it’s biblical."
Anyone who hesitates to take sides, she continued, is dishonest. "Everyone is more for one side than the other. That gray area doesn’t really exist."
I remembered her words while reading a Post article about a recent shouting match between men and women who’d gathered near the White House to protest or support Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s visit.
If there was any gray evident, it was in the overcast sky.
"There is no Palestine!" screamed one man at protesters loudly chanting, "Free, free Palestine!" After an angry Sharon supporter rhetorically asked protesters, "How many suicide bombings did you plan today?" their words to him were similarly thoughtful:
"Go home, (expletive)!"
Talk about a black-and-white exchange. As writer Mark Leibovich pointed out, none of the screaming participants’ minds was changed. Nobody won.
In shouting matches, who does?
Similarly passionate — and pointless — scenes play out at most political rallies and demonstrations, regardless of the participants. But the notion that such behavior is limited to insult-tossing strangers is absurd.
Bitter, brutal confrontations between true believers of every persuasion play out in our workplaces, classrooms and homes.
Our "adversaries" in such conflicts: people whom we know and sometimes like. Often, they’re intimates whom we adore.
In the heat of such battles over money, power or whatever, some of us are appalled to find ourselves shouting. So frustrated are we by our opponent’s pigheaded refusal to accept our view, we dismiss him or her as insensitive, unfair and totally lacking in insight.
"Why," we wonder, "is this idiot in my life?"
Not long after the shouting has stopped and our "enemy" has stomped from the room, we find we’re exhausted. Not just by the immense effort of yelling and maneuvering and being so right.
We’re wearied by the realization that nothing has been settled. That there’s more work to be done.
In, God help us, the gray areas.
Perhaps the world has always been a hard, noisy space filled with rigid know-it-alls shouting their convictions. Somehow, the din seems louder than ever.
But research shows that people who shout at each other "can’t think properly," says family therapist Frederick Brewster, who has seen plenty of shouting matches.
"We used to think you could think your way through anger," he explains. "But you have to calm down to access your thought process. People shouting at each other can’t be rational."
On some level, we know that. Shout-fests notwithstanding, most people’s black-and-white certainty is eventually replaced — or at least softened — by shades of gray.
Privately, we consider the points the "idiot" espoused. Silently, we weigh his cluelessness against the ways he adds to our happiness.
Grayly, we reach out to him.
Clearly, many local, national and international squabbles are family feuds painted in the starkest black and white. If we’re all connected in this vast human family, what else could they be?
No wonder protesters scream at each other.
"The way people function publicly is an extension of the way they functioned in their families of origin," says Brewster. Family life is "a training ground for everything. If you learn to deal with your difficult parents effectively, you can deal with anybody. If you don’t … you’ll end up with a boss like your father."
Of course, some of us trade in those who challenge us for "new and improved" friends, colleagues and lovers — who often end up being equally challenging.
Family members are harder to ditch. They’re the ungrateful, hardheaded lot to whom we’re bonded by the super-glue of blood and common experience. They’re also the people who most consistently reveal our flaws to us.
We’d shake them off, but they’re part of us.
Thank goodness. Extended families and friendships help us manage life’s built-in intensity, Brewster says. Everyone experiences turbulence and loss. "Families that solve their differences by cutting off family members short-circuit the system that would help them cope."
Are nations similar?
"I know people on both sides of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict who are very thoughtful, who look at both sides and take a position," he says. "A midrange position."
Gray again. As maddeningly amorphous as the shade seems, black-and-white doesn’t work for this family either.
"Wouldn’t it be wonderful if enough Palestinians and Israelis said, ‘Aren’t we glad to have inherited this wonderful country from our common ancestor, Abraham?’ " Brewster muses.
Every struggle, he says, is a family struggle. For all the anger, bitterness and shouting, "there have to be people who want to stay connected anyway."
Donna Britt can be reached at The Washington Post Writers Group, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, DC 20071-9200.
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