Some simple advice about Christmas

Payroll tax cut extension, government shutdown, Newt, Mitt, Harry, Obama, Syria, Mahmoud I’madinnerjacket (or something like that), my ever-shrinking investment portfolio. Bah! Humbug!

Christmas is just a few days away and it’s time to give all of the above (and more) a well-deserved rest. Such being the case, I thought I’d use this column to offer a few suggestions, observations and warnings that I’ve gathered over the past 63 years regarding this time of year.

Therefore, in no particular order and with no particularly deep thought, herewith a few notes regarding Christmas:

•Always remember that, at Christmas, there’s no such thing as “too much” eggnog.

Never wait until after everyone’s gone to bed on Christmas Eve to deal with any package that’s marked “Some assembly required.” You’ve been warned.

Make it a point to be present when your youngest child or grandchild shows up on Christmas morning to see what Santa brought. You don’t get to see pure innocence, excitement and happiness all that often any more and it’s something we could all use more of.

Pick up the phone and call your mom (dad, brother, sister, grandpa, grandma, etc.) even if “you just spoke with them last week.” If they’re not with you at Christmas, it’s almost certain that they wish they were and, as they used to say, a “call” is the next best thing to being there.

Ignore all of the mess on Christmas morning. It’ll get picked up eventually. Besides, the pets love to play with it and rooms everywhere look exactly the same — if not worse.

Put a pair of reindeer antlers on the dog and wear some yourself. It’s OK to be a bit goofy that morning and it’ll put a smile on everyone’s face to boot.

Have a second helping of turkey at dinner. It gives you a great excuse for taking a nap. As I recall, every turkey comes with two drumsticks. That wasn’t accidental.

Send a copy of “Stop the Cavalry” to at least one relative who doesn’t live in the Seattle/Everett area. When they ask, tell them it’s the most requested Christmas song hereabouts. They might never figure it out but, what the heck, they already think we’re weird for living in a place where it rains 11-3/4 months of the year.

Don’t stop watering the Christmas tree. It has to make it through the rest of December and (in our case) well into early January. There’s a reason the song’s called “The Twelve Days of Christmas.”

Get down on the floor and play with your kids (or grandkids). They’ll love it and that’s all that really matters.

Fruitcakes taste a lot better if you pour a good shot of bourbon (or rum, for you heathens out there) over the piece on your plate. And forget about ever figuring out what tree or bush produced those green things that people persist in putting into these cakes.

Save the ribbon from the gifts. Your wife will love you for that.

If you have a relative in the armed forces who’s away, send them a “care package” and a hand-written letter letting them know you’re thinking about them. Ask anyone who’s ever been on the receiving end of one of these and they’ll tell you just how much it meant. Too, it doesn’t hurt to know that, by so doing, you’ll move up a few places in line on Judgment Day.

Make sure all toys and electronics are fully charged before you go to bed. Alternatively, make sure you’ve bought (the correct) batteries. Miss this one at your peril.

Cook a breakfast that includes waffles, vanilla ice cream, strawberries and whipped cream. Anyone who doesn’t enjoy this probably wears sandals with black socks to the beach and roots for Army in the Army-Navy game. A particularly suspicious lot. Not to be trusted.

To the guys out there: If you can’t get anyone to wrap the presents for you, buy an extra large roll of tape and a lot of wrapping paper to cover the mistakes you’ll make.

To the ladies out there: Remember, at least we tried. And putting it in a colorful bag with a ribbon around the neck seemed like a good idea at the time.

Finally: Merry Christmas to each and all of you.

Larry Simoneaux lives in Edmonds. Send comments to larrysim@comcast.net.