Wishes, observations and rants

To begin:

1. Somewhere in the dim mists of my memory — which now tends to become extremely misty after about a nanosecond — is a column I wrote about celebrities singing the national anthem.

Back then, I said that I wished they’d just do it as written and spare us the need to squirm.

No special renditions. No personal touches. No interpretations. Just sing it as 99.99 percent of us want it to be sung, then stand back and let the game begin.

Having watched yet another “celebrity” do yet another injustice to it before last week’s Saints-Vikings game, I’m now ready to beg whomever is in charge of such events to just get a straightforward recording of the national anthem and use it instead. Please.

2. Here’s a quote to consider:

“The United States does not have a security system; it has a system for bothering people.” — Shlomo Dror, Israeli security specialist.

Look, I understand the need for airport security and, given the recent attempt by the “crotch bomber” to bring down an airliner over the Christmas holidays, you’d have to have an IQ on the low side of room temperature not to.

That said, here’s a quick test. Think back over the past 30 years and consider all of the hijackings, ship bombings, embassy bombings, hotel bombings, wedding bombings, funeral bombings, train station bombings, and all of the other bombings that have occurred. Now, close your eyes and visualize the perpetrators.

Did you come up with 80-year-old great-grandmothers carrying hand lotion in their purses?

Nope. Neither did I.

So, could we finally get in touch with reality (and Israeli security experts) and begin profiling?

I know. I know. Profiling (“description of previous perpetrators”) is (supposedly) insensitive, offensive, and biased to boot. However, it sure seems that being sensitive, inoffensive, and unbiased involves ignoring common sense and praying that one of these loons doesn’t succeed any time soon.

Could we, therefore, stop sowing the seeds of political correctness before we reap another harvest of real-life tragedy?

3. Does anyone else think it remarkable that all of the “syndromes” now appearing in ads everywhere sure seem to be associated with Baby Boomers getting older and drug companies producing a lot of pills they need to sell?

Too, don’t the possible side-effects of these potions — mentioned in “speed speak” — seem just a bit worrisome? When, precisely, did “possibility of stroke” get moved to the side-effects column?

4. Having watched the New Orleans Saints win the NFC championship, here are two points needing mention.

First, this will be the first time that the New Orleans Saints get to play in the Super Bowl.

Second, should they win, any member of the team or any Saints fan in Miami should immediately return to New Orleans so as to attend a celebration that won’t be describable in words.

You see, the only reason New Orleanians have calendars is to be able to plan their next party. Christmas. New Years. Mardi Gras. The Jazz Festival. The Food Festival. The start of crawfish season. The end of crawfish season. Hey, it’s Friday night. Wow, it’s Saturday.

Are you seeing the pattern here? These people will party because their car started this morning. If the Saints win the Super Bowl, all bets are off.

5. Instead of worrying about the recent Supreme Court decision abolishing the ban on corporate political advertising, we should look at a benefit that could accrue to us as citizens.

With this ruling in play, we should require that our elected officials have plaques installed above their doors stating that “this office and its occupants are a wholly owned subsidiary of XYZ Corporation, ABC Union, or LMN Association.”

Also, to further help us recognize who might be behind what’s being perpetrated in our names, we should require that our representatives wear jumpsuits. These would — like NASCAR drivers — have the names of all of their major donors sewn onto it.

Thus, whenever congressperson, senator, vice president or president whomever stood up to tell us about all of the wonderful things they were about to do to us — and do to us hard — we could see where such ideas might actually be coming from.

6. Finally. OK, I admit it. You’ve all helped convince me that Brussels sprouts are, indeed, edible.

Larry Simoneux lives in Edmonds. Send comments to larrysim@clearwire.net.