Welcome back, old man

The Closer was off Wednesday because of a nasty case of the Caballo flu. (Fortunately, my boss no espeake Espanol. He also doesn’t know that if the Cinco horse would’ve come in on the Nueve race, it would’ve been adios to The Bullpen for El Closer.) The bad news is, I’m back. Deal with it, Prune Face.

TODAY’S LINEUP

A daily look at the top sports stories in this morning’s edition of The Herald

1. How much longer before we can start calling him Senior?

The Mariners went back to the old well on Wednesday, and we do mean old. Ken Griffey Jr. looked every bit of 40 last year … and he was only 39. The soon-to-be-40 Griffey is back for another year. The M’s say they like what he brings to the clubhouse, and it wasn’t clear whether they were referring to the walking cane or the Depends undergarments.

2. Maybe they should pump Qwest Field crowd noise into their helmets

The guys from “Hangover” didn’t have it this bad on their road trip to Vegas. The Seattle Seahawks are about as successful on the road as an armadillo with a bad leg. This week’s trip to Arizona includes another make-or-break game for the Road Worriers.

3. If only Julius Jones had this much speed

Jackson’s Alana Pazvic has the Timberwolves in line for another big weekend in the pool. The senior spends so much time in the pool that her textbooks had to be laminated.

4. Unlike the Washington Redskins, they’re ready for the next level

It’s National Letter of Intent week, and several local athletes are ready to put their names on the dotted line. Not sure whether the next Jon Brockman or Grady Sizemore is out there, but college coaches are certainly relieved not to have signed anyone named The Closer Jr.

5. Yeah, but can’t they find a few more guys named Locker?

The Washington football team has one Kearse and is about to add another. The Closer thinks maybe it’s the Curse of Willingham, not the Kearses of Lakewood, that has been the biggest factor with this program as of late.

THE WARMUP PITCH

Maybe they should lobby to play on a neutral field

The only team that might be more disappointed to see the Seahawks traveling to Arizona this week is … Arizona. The Cards have the same kind of home struggles that the Seahawks do on the road. I’m sure Jim Mora and Co. would be glad to host the rematch at Qwest.

This one lasted longer than the McNeeley fight

It turns out that the long arm of the law continues to have a reach advantage on Mike Tyson. The Iron One was arrested at LAX on Wednesday — not for impersonating a labyrinth with his face tattoo, but for treating a member of the paparazzi like Evander Holyfield’s ear. The Closer is siding with Tyson on this one, because if the story were true, the cameraman wouldn’t have any teeth left with which to tell the tale.

Because Mike Hargrove and John McLaren were asking for too much money …

The Washington Nationals ended their managerial search on Wednesday, and the winner is … not Jim Riggleman. The former Mariners boss got the job all right, but he’s got about as much chance of winning 80 games as Ken Griffey Jr. does of hitting 40 home runs and driving in 120 runs.

His Native American name would be Jon Did Not Play/Coach’s Decision

Jon Brockman, aka The King of Snohomish, is spending so much time on the Sacramento bench that he’s getting hiney sores. With this kind of playing time, he might as well be a member of the Seattle Sonics. But, hey, the Kings have won three in a row, so Paul Westphal must know what he’s doing.

Weis has had enough “hot seat” talk. Can we please discuss hot dogs?

Paging Tyrone Willingham. Paging Tyrone Willingham. The Notre Dame Fighting Irish might be looking for another football coach soon, even though Charlie “Dead Man Walking” Weis is plugging his ears and pretending not to hear the whispers. These guys go through coaches like Jennifer Aniston goes through men (and that’s the last time Jenn and Charlie will be mentioned in the same item.) Anyway, Jon Gruden has emerged as the first of many candidates.

CURVE BALLS

The wild and wacky news from the world of sports …

It’s only a matter of time before she’s doing reality television

New Mexico soccer player Elizabeth Lambert has become an international star after her actions on the pitch. She is the most exciting thing to happen to soccer since … well, Americans turned it into football.

The one that got away … and by ‘one’ we’re talking hypothetically about all big men from the Kent area

The University of Washington men’s basketball team signed one recruit this week, Bay Area native Desmond Simmons. But the more interesting story was the guy the Huskies’ didn’t sign. In fact, UW coach Lorenzo Romar wasn’t even allowed to utter his name during a Wednesday press conference announcing the Simmons signing. “Four letters … rhymes with Tosh … Shares Emmitt’s last name …”

Careful, or he might give it all up to join the Birmingham Barons

Another Heir Jordan is in trouble with the NCAA. Jeff Jordan plays, then quits, then comes back; must get that from his father. Jeff Jordan is a deep reserve for the University of Illinois; must get that skill from his mother’s side.

THE RUNDOWN

Junior’s back … again. The Closer can’t get all that lathered up about the news of a 40-something has-been returning to the dugout. Unless it’s Jamie Moyer … or maybe Demi Moore. Anyway, as long as we’re bringing back former athletes, let’s just get ‘em all out there. Here are five guys The Closer says should have gotten a one-year deal before Griffey:

5. Marv Harshman: Hey, the guy was a star in two different arenas. He could play for the Seahawks AND the … um, Thunder. Scratch that. The 90-something is probably too old for that kind of travel.

4. Shawn Kemp: Saw The Rain Man a couple years back, and we’re thinking he’s about ready to take Walter Jones’s place. Kemp’s got to be three-fifty by now, and he’s got enough kids to field an entire defense (and probably one that’s more consistent than that group that shows up a Qwest every few weeks).

3. Steve Largent: Hey, the guy wasn’t that fast to begin with. He’s only gotten more crafty over the years. Trust us here: living in D.C. will bring out the shiftiness in anyone after awhile.

2. The Boz: He can’t possibly be a bigger bust. And we’re betting he’s got better hair these days.

1. Miguel Batista: This guy’s so old that you’d probably have to pull him out of a nursing … what’s that? He’s still playing? My bad.

Contact The Closer at inthebullpen@heraldnet.com.