Five Mariners who won’t be missed

TODAY’S LINEUP

A daily look at the top sports stories in today’s edition of The Herald:

1. Warning: University of Roadkill is back on the bus

The University of Washington men’s basketball team is taking its show on the road again, and that’s not a good thing for the Huskies. UW hasn’t won away from home all season. Coach Lorenzo Romar is asking for one more chance before making any blanket statements about road struggles. And The Closer is asking for one shot at Usain Bolt before declaring him the world’s fastest.

2. If Jim Caldwell was coach, the first line would be resting

Five weeks still remain in the Western Hockey League season, and yet the Silvertips can clinch a playoff spot with a win or OT loss tonight. The league should adopt a rule that, should a team clinch a postseason berth before the start of the Olympics, it should get an invitation to the Games. “Now entering the arena, the Silvertip Nation …”

3. The only bowl Walter Jones will see is the one with cheese dip inside

Everett resident Paul Lawrence had a unique view of Super Bowl XLIV. The agent for New Orleans cornerback Tracy Porter — and Larry Fitzgerald and Walter Jones, for that matter — was with Porter’s family when Porter made the game-clinching interception of Peyton Manning on Sunday. Upon hearing this, the family of Kelly Jennings adopted Lawrence and bought him a plane ticket for next year’s big game.

4. The bright side is that he’s still in Seattle

M’s pitching coach Rick Adair sees a bright side to pitcher Cliff Lee’s recent foot surgery. Adair points out that the minor surgery could help Lee stay fresh, in that he’ll have to sit out part of spring training. Let’s just hope he doesn’t adopt the Carlos Silva training plan while preparing to get back on the mound.

THE WARMUP PITCH

OK, we’re over New Orleans already

On Tuesday, the city of New Orleans did something that Seattle can’t do. No, not keep an NBA team (although they did do that). NOLA turned out for a victory parade. For those of us who have only lived in Seattle for 30 years, a victory parade is a thing where the winning team gets on floats and rides down … aw, never mind.

Big deal … the Seahawks had to play a few games without Red Bryant

Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant, who is nursing a sore ankle, has missed two games. Word is that Bryant’s short-term status might be announced later today. All we know is that he’s behind Kevin Durant in the scoring race, which is kind of like hearing that your ex-girlfriend beat out Brooklyn Decker for the SI cover.

Sometimes he feels like he’s already doing hard time

St. Louis Rams running back Steven Jackson got some good news Tuesday when the St. Louis police deemed that there wasn’t enough evidence to charge him with domestic violence. Later in the day, the same cops watched game tape of Jackson running all over the Seahawks, and they decided there was enough evidence to charge him with gridiron violence.

Yeah, well, the Silvertips didn’t need LeBron to rattle off their streak

The Cleveland Cavaliers continue to make the rest of the NBA look like the dog excrement on LeBron’s Nikes. The Cavs won their 12th game in a row Tuesday, breezing past the hapless Nets. We’re guessing by the final score that King James played while wearing the cape and crown.

Our money is on Las Vegas, baby

The Pac-10 Conference is looking at expansion possibilities, including places like Hawaii, Nevada and Utah. The nice part is, the conference could add another Division I-quality program and still call itself the Pac-10 … at least, until Pullman adds D-I teams. Bah-dah-boom.

CURVE BALLS

The wild and wacky news from the world of sports …

And Tonya Harding was nowhere near the scene

Nancy Kerrigan’s family is all up in arms after a coroner ruled her father died via homicide, not because of a heart attack as alleged by the family. It turns out that Kerrigan’s brother is the chief suspect. We haven’t seen this much in-family fighting since Milton Bradley was kicked out of the Cubs’ clubhouse.

Another 14 feet and 11 inches, and it would’ve been dead-on

Kansas guard Brady Morningstar had an embarrassing night Monday, and not because his No. 1-ranked Jayhawks were laughing their way to an easy win at Texas. What made the game memorable was Morningstar’s six-inch putt … er, free throw. Apparently, Morningstar was hoping for the first-ever assist on a free-throw attempt.

Reached via telephone, Don Imus had no comment

The Rutgers women’s basketball program was at the center of controversy again after coach C. Vivian Stringer was caught using ineligible male players as practice opposition. Seahawks coach Pete Carroll was shocked by the news, saying his use of ineligible male players at USC only led to bowl games and a job promotion.

Six months without infidelity? The Closer couldn’t go six without skepticism

Elin Woods is giving her sort-of husband six months to prove he’s a changed man. In preparation for his lockdown, Tiger has TiVo-ed six months worth of “Rosanne” reruns.

THE RUNDOWN

Just eight days until pitchers and catchers report for spring training, and The Closer is starting to get excited about this year’s M’s. Cliff Lee? Chone Figgins? Milton Bradley in a change of scenery? Things are looking up, but those aren’t the only reasons. Here are five guys The Closer is relieved not to have to see when spring training begins:

5. Kenji Johjima: He was on the verge of a breakout season from the time he landed on this side of the Pacific, and yet it never happened. We’ll take Rob Johnson’s steady defense, and Japan can keeps its rising son.

4. Brandon Morrow: The presence of the former first-round pick wouldn’t let us forget the fateful mistake that was Tim Linececum. And hearing this time every year that he was on the way to becoming a door-shutting closer or a viable starter only dragged us down. Thankfully, we don’t have to wonder what-if anymore.

3. Adrian Beltre: Unlike flameouts like Richie Sexson and Carl Everett, he seemed to be tantalizing us from the time he arrived in Seattle. But Beltre never lived up to the expectations, or the big contract, and he’s not getting any younger.

2. Carlos Silva: The big guy weighed down the rotation for too many springs. Now he’s Chicago’s weight problem, and the M’s can start looking at youngsters like Ian Small and Doug Fister without worrying about financial consequences.

1. Felix Hernandez’s pending free agency: “Should they get something for Felix before he goes the Big Unit/Junior/A-Rod route?” Thanks to his recently signed extension, we don’t have to entertain that question for a few years. Pheeeeee-ew!

Contact The Closer at inthebullpen@heraldnet.com.