There was a pristine Mariners jersey hanging in the equipment manager’s office this afternoon. On the back was No. 1 with the words Cable Guy above.
A few minutes later, into the Mariners’ clubhouse walked a hero to many (including me, who was born and raised in the hills of Missouri): comedian Larry the Cable guy.
He walked in and shook a few hands, then was guided into a private room so he could get dressed in that Mariners uniform and take batting practice with the team. When he came out, he was Larry the Cable Guy in a Mariners uniform, but only the way Larry the Cable Guy could wear it — with the sleeves torn off the jersey and a big fish hook clipped to the bill of his cap.
Larry is performing tonight at the Tacoma Dome, but he spent an hour on the field while the Mariners stretched, then a few turns in the cage during batting practice. With manager Don Wakamatsu pitching, Larry blooped a couple and dribbled a few, but he also laced a few line drives. Then strength coach Allen Wirtala took over on the mound and Larry emerged from that round shaking his stinging hands.
“Wak let me wear a pair of his shoes and I felt a connection there. I was able to hit some line drives,” he said. “Then that skinny guy started throwing. Now that hurt. I’ve got a show in a couple of hours and I thought I might have to call in serious.”
Which leads me to the Mariners.
A little comic relief might be a good thing at a time like this, because there’s certainly not a lot else to laugh about. This is a team that’s got issues much deeper than what they realized they’d be facing out of spring training. The starting rotation is riddled with injury and ineffectiveness (Carlos Silva, Ryan Rowland-Smith, Erik Bedard), and this weekend they’re throwing Chris Jakubauskas, Garrett Olson and Jason Vargas at the Red Sox. Who could have imagined that?
The offense is still hitting like, well, Larry the Cable Guy, although in his first two at-bats Yuniesky Betancourt has drawn two walks and not swung at a pitch. Who could have imagined that?
And the bullpen is now cobbled together without Brandon Morrow at closer now that the team has decided he needs to pitch in less stressful situations in order to regain the handle on his fastball (interpretation: The kid will get his stuff together, but we can’t afford to lose another heartbreaker) So David Aardsma as the go-to guy at closer, unless he’s not available, which puts Mark Lowe and (gasp!) Miguel Batista in line for important late-inning duty.
Depressed yet? Here’s one from Larry the Cable Guy’s web site to cheer you up:
“Have you seen that show Knight Rider, the remake of the talking car? That show sucks so bad my TV told me to turn it off!”
Thankfully, the Mariners aren’t THAT bad.
Talk to us
> Give us your news tips.
> Send us a letter to the editor.
> More Herald contact information.
