Kasey Kahne, ‘Grease’ and Manny bashing

TODAY’S LINEUP

The top sports stories from today’s edition of The Herald:

1. John’s talking to himself

Should Seahawks QB Matt Hasselbeck play this Sunday? In a point-counterpoint with himself, The Herald’s pro football writer, John Boyle, argues yes … and no. That way, no matter what happens this weekend, John can say he told you so.

2. Take off the cruise control, Kasey

NASCAR heartthrob Kasey Kahne took time off from his job as a Sprint Cup driver to visit Cascade High School in Everett on Thursday, much to the delight of every girl in the sophomore class. Kahne spoke to students about safe driving and noted “I don’t speed.” Hmmm. That may explain why you’re in 11th place in the Chase standings.

3. ‘Man up’ a little sooner, will ya?

The UW defense has given up a gazillion yards this season, but somehow has managed to do a credible job of keeping opponents out of the end zone. Linebacker Donald Butler said the Huskies’ success inside their own 20-yard line is the result of the players deciding “it’s time to man up.” Butler and his buddies could save UW fans a boatload of ulcers if they would “man up” about 50 yards sooner.

4. Learning to love the sound of cowbells

Since being traded to the Everett Silvertips earlier this season, center Chris Langkow has been able to experience the kinder, gentler side of the fans at Comcast Arena. That wasn’t the case when he played for the archrival Spokane Chiefs. When viewed from the opposing bench the Tips’ fans were “pretty ruthless,” Langkow recalled.

WARMUP PITCH

Shhh, don’t mention that

Longtime KRKO broadcaster Tom Lafferty will be inducted into the Hall of Fame by his alma mater, Snohomish High School, at halftime of tonight’s Cascade-at-Snohomish football game. Think the MC of the event will point out that in his weekly prep football predictions Tom picked Cascade to win14-6?

Baby names

Philadelphia Phillies starting pitcher Cole Hamels left Thursday’s playoff game with the Colorado Rockies after his wife went into labor. Colorado went on to win 5-4, evening the series at 1-1. Not sure what Hamels and his wife plan to name the little tyke, but here’s betting it’s not “Rocky.”

Eeeewwwww

On Thursday night, The Closer rented the movie “Grease” just to hear Eve Arden utter the line “If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.” That phrase has been bouncing around in the Closer’s head ever since Mariners pitcher Carlos Silva showed his, uh, support to the fans during Sunday’s postgame parade at Safeco Field.

Hon, where’s my remote?

The Associated Press reported Thursday that television ratings for the NFL are up 20 percent over last year. The Closer is proud to say he did his part, buying 16 new TVs and a subscription to the NFL Network.

Tiger about to strike gold

The International Olympic Committee decided today to include golf and rugby in the 2016 and 2020 Olympics. Since Olympic Games tend to run over budget, let’s just save the expense and mail Tiger Woods the golf gold medal now.

CURVE BALLS

50,000 towels

Credit the Los Angeles Dodgers’ 3-2 come-from-behind win over the St. Louis Cardinals on Thursday to the fans at Dodger Stadium. St. Louis left-fielder Matt Holliday lost a two-out, ninth-inning fly ball in a sea of 50,000 white towels, setting up the Dodgers‘ game-winning rally. And to make matters worse, when the disappointed Cardinals emerged dripping from their postgame showers, all the towels were gone. Go figure.

I told you so

Forty-two-year-old Olympic swimmer Dara Torres will be out 12-18 months after undergoing radical knee surgery. Of course, she could have avoided this problem had she adopted The Closer’s personal philosophy of no strenuous exercise after the age of 25.

Bashing Manny

L.A. Times columnist Steve Lopez is offering his World Series tickets — if the Dodgers get that far — to the writer who pens the best anti-Manny Ramirez essay in 50 words or less. A series of columns by Lopez about a homeless street musician became the motion picture “The Soloist” starring Jamie Foxx? Hmmm. Wonder if we might be seeing Foxx in dreadlocks in the not too distant future.

RUNDOWN

Former Mariner Ryan Franklin — with help from left-fielder Matt Holliday — blew the save Thursday in the St. Louis Cardinals’ NL playoff loss to the Dodgers. That got The Closer thinking about former M’s currently involved in the major-league playoffs. Here’s a list in order of how much the Closer would like to have them back in Seattle:

1) George Sherrill, Dodgers. The left-handed reliever was traded to Baltimore for Erik “I pitcher every fifth month” Bedard. If the Mariners could redo that deal, they not only would get Sherrill back, but also all-star outfielder Adam Jones.

2) Dave Duncan, St. Louis pitching coach. The best pitching coach in the history of the planet — heck, he pulled Joel Pineiro off the scrap heap and turned him into a 15-game winner — was the M’s pitching coach in 1982 when they led the AL in strikeouts. Why did they ever let him go?

3) Franklin, St. Louis. His regular-season numbers (1.92 ERA, 38 saves) are impressive, but not as impressive as his Abe Lincoln-like beard.

4) Piniero, St. Louis pitcher. He was 15-12 and will start for the Cardinals in Game 3 on Saturday. Don’t feel bad M’s fans, the Red Sox gave up on him, too.

Contact The Closer at inthebullpen@heraldnet.com.