In his play “The Producers,” Mel Brooks wrote the twistedly funny slogan, “Don’t be stupid, be a smarty, come and join the Nazi party.”
And I say:
“Don’t be a schmuck, just say yuck, hop aboard the Suck-for-Luck Truck.”
What’s this truck look like? Maybe it’s a pickup truck as a pick-me-up for Dolphins fans. Except that’s too small for all those wanting aboard. Maybe a monster truck out of “Roadhouse?” Too redneck.
Does someone have a spare semitrailer sitting in their driveway to wheel into Sun Life Stadium before the next game and tailgate with fellow Truck-for-Luck-ers? Or a plush recreational vehicle (with air conditioning, for when I start to whimper).
Oh, I’ve fought this like a virus. But at 0-6 this Dolphins season has as good a chance at coming back as Michael Jackson. Or Tony Sparano.
You might as well fight the tide as the notion the No. 1 overall pick isn’t the best way out for this franchise. Bill Parcells isn’t even around to draft a lineman with it this time.
Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck is waiting at No. 1, and everything this franchise needs would follow him here like tin cans tied to this truck: the best personnel guru, head coach and assistant coaches wanting to rub against success.
I respect Jason Taylor saying he can’t understand the rationale behind this concept. But I agree more with Dan Marino, who said the other day on the CBS set, “If you can solve your problems for the next 10 years …”
Bumper stickers? T-shirts? We’ll need those for the Suck for Luck Truck, too.
St. Louis and Indianapolis are the other winless teams with ideas of ineptitude. St. Louis isn’t the main rival when you look at rosters and schedules. Indianapolis will give the Dolphins a battle, though.
The Colts are cat puke. They made a big statement with their 62-7 loss the other day. But there’s a whiff of conspiracy about them. Shouldn’t the Dolphins throw a red flag on the ground for a replay official to review Peyton Manning’s X-rays?
No matter, the Dolphins match up well with Indy, wart for wart, blemish for blemish:
n Starting quarterback hurt? Check for both teams.
n Dead Man Coaching? Check for both teams.
n Inexplicable, karma-suggesting losses to the worst opponents? Edge: Dolphins after Cleveland and Denver.
n Biggest names starting to point fingers elsewhere? Brandon Marshall said at Harvard on Monday night he was “mad” at the game plan against the Jets. That’s rich. He cost the team two touchdowns that night. Edge: Dolphins.
n Homefield atmosphere? Not even close. Edge: Dolphins.
n Schedule? This is a tricky question. The Dolphins have the tougher schedule, as Philadelphia is the only opponent below .500 the rest of the way. That can help them to 0-16. So it’s sort-of-edge: Dolphins.
The problem is the NFL’s stupid tie-breaker system. Instead of just rigging things like pro basketball for which city can help the league more (come on, Indy or Miami?), the NFL has a strength-of-schedule tie-breaker clause. The team with the easier schedule gets the higher pick.
Indianapolis plays 2-5 Carolina and twice against 2-5 Jacksonville. Indy could blow it and win any of those games. If they tie the Dolphins’ record, though, their easier schedule gives them the higher pick.
Don’t be righteous about any of this. It happens all the time, hoping to fail to succeed. Remember the lineup the Heat used against Toronto in the 2003 season finale to move up a draft slot?
It was so bad Pat Riley even laughed about it. Didn’t work, though. The Heat won. And got Dwyane Wade.
Here’s the point: At 0-6, there’s nothing to cheer for except nothing. Zero-and-16. Don’t be a schmuck, just say yuck, hop aboard the Suck-For-Luck Truck.
And if you have a RV with air conditioning, let me know.
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