It took me a few days, but I finally tracked him down. Meet Buford B. (Cow) Chip, icon of lousy fan behavior and one of a few who threw a beer bottle, water bottles, articles of clothing and coins in Tuesday’s WHL playoff game between the Everett Silvertips and the Kelowna Rockets at the Everett Events Center.
Incensed because officials refused to call a penalty on Rockets defenseman Luke Schenn for grabbing Tips center Kyle Beach by the back of the jersey and snow-plowing him to the ice, Chip and two of his buddies were escorted from the premises for throwing trash.
I caught up with Chip and got this vital, exclusive interview.
Q. So Buford, what made you throw stuff onto the ice?
A. Drinkin’ all day didn’t hurt.
Q. No. I mean besides that. Why get so angry at a sporting event? It’s not exactly the Moussaoui trial.
A. DID YOU SEE THAT (blinkity-blank)? Dude grabs our guy and turns him into a Zamboni! And the (blippity-blop) refs let it go. How much did the Rockets pay ‘em off? Lookin’ at ‘em, probably about a dozen Krispy Kremes would do it. I’ll be danged if I let ‘em get away wid dat.
Q. But Buford, is it worth getting ejected and banned from the stadium for up to a year? Maybe jail time? Not to mention that someone could get seriously injured.
A. Small sacrifice for my team.
Q. But what happened to sportsmanship, Buford? Just because you buy a ticket, does that give you the OK to fling coins onto the ice? Someone skates over a quarter and his knee turns into grits.
A. Listen, do you think Everett is the only place where something’s happened? I read where Saskatoon Blades fans threw beer at Medicine Hat Tigers players in the penalty box. Geez, it even happens in the NHL. Remember when the Bruins’ Mike Milbury climbed into the stands at Madison Square Garden, took off some guy’s shoe and beat him with it? That was the same night that Phil Esposito had a breakaway in the last minute, but was distracted enough when a tennis ball flew out of the stands that he couldn’t get the shot off. Same game: Some guy reaches over the glass, grabbed Stan Jonathan’s stick and swung it over the heads of other Boston players. So Milbury and Terry O’Reilly went into the stands.
And before you give hockey a bad name, remember when Ron Artest went into the stands a couple years ago to pound on some guy? And the poor sap wasn’t even the guy who threw a cup at him. Sparked a brawl people still talk about.
Q. Sure. It happens everywhere. And it’s always just a few morons, like yourself, who ruin it for everybody. But why is it that the guilty ones always point a finger at others and say that they do the same thing – or worse? It’s like UW football fans in the early ’90s who condemned everyone but the UW for that circus.
A. Hey, it’s an imperfect world, gluehead. Bob Knight throws a chair onto the court. Arizona State basketball fans taunt Arizona’s Steve Kerr with chants of “P-L-O” after Kerr’s father had been killed by terrorists in Beirut. Soccer fans pelt the pitch with flares and even hit a player, who suffers burns on his shoulder and neck. It happens. And it will happen again. Janet Gretzky wouldn’t bet against that.
Q. So what can stadium officials do to stop you guys from killing somebody?
A. Short of public executions, I dunno. They won’t cut off beer sales. They can’t test every spectator with a breathalyzer. If we say or do something that offends a few people around us, I suppose they can point us out to security if they want to. Big flippin’ deal if they ban us. There’s plenty of other places we can terrorize. Safeco. Memorial Stadium. Qwest Field.
Q. You guys really are Grade A, gold-plated, ugly-all-day creeps. What happens when you’re banned from every sporting venue in the area?
A. Don’t forget that we breed, bunky. There’s plenty of us left after we’re forced out of the state. And we can always move on. I already have the ultimate fan-disruption ploy planned out.
Q. And that would be …?
A. Here’s a hint: Westminster Dog Show. Fake fire hydrants. It’ll be beautiful.
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