The Olympic preview edition

TODAY’S LINEUP

A look at the top sports stories in today’s edition of The Herald:

1. Be ready to cover the kids’ eyes

Herald writer John Boyle provides us with 10 reasons why we should watch the 2010 Winter Olympics. Well, John, here’s two reasons why we shouldn’t: Al Roker and Spandex.

2. Back in my day …

The Stanwood High School boys basketball team knows how to do Senior Night right. Not only did all eight seniors play in Thursday’s 84-51 win over Cascade, they all scored at least two points as the Spartans clinched the top playoff seed in the Wesco North. Of course, when the players gather for a class reunion 30 years from now, the game will have morphed into a 184-51 victory over the L.A. Lakers, with each player scoring at least 20 points.

3. Finding gold where others see coal

Everett Silvertips general manager Doug Soetaert has a history of taking players other hockey teams discarded and turning them into productive performers. The most recent example is forward Scott MacDonald. Next time he’s working a jigsaw puzzle, The Closer plans to invite Soetaert. The guy obviously has a knack for knowing where those odd-shaped pieces fit in.

4. It might be better if we just don’t show up

Another road game, another loss for the UW men’s basketball team. This time the Huskies fell to Cal, 93-81, dropping them to 0-7 on the road this season. Since the Huskies lose by an average of nearly 20 points per game away from home, maybe they should forfeit the rest of their road contests. Not only will it safe travel costs, but since a forfeit goes in the books as a 2-0 loss, it’ll keep the scores more respectable.

5. Am I on Candid Camera?

Will Brandenburg, a skier from Spokane, was as surprised as everyone else when he was named to the U.S. Olympic team. Brandenburg, you see, had scored exactly zero points on the World Cup circuit this season. Hmmm. The Closer thought the only world-class athletes who didn’t score were soccer players.

THE WARMUP PITCH

Make sure the channel changer has fresh batteries

Tonight’s game between the Everett Silvertips and Spokane Chiefs will be televised live by FSN. Unfortunately, the broadcast is up against the opening ceremony of the 2010 Olympics on NBC. That might create a dilemma in some households, but not in The Closer’s abode. Men in tights vs. hockey fights? It’s a no brainer … unless Mrs. Closer decides otherwise.

Honest, dear, I’m just doing research for the column

The big story in Vancouver right now is the condition of U.S. skier Lindsey Vonn’s right shin. The Closer is no doctor, but judging by her bikini-clad photos in Sports Illustrated this week her shin looks just fine. As does, well, just about everything else.

Be careful what you wish for

UW women’s basketball coach Tia Jackson says she has visions of the fans in Seattle rushing the floor after tonight’s Pac-10 game with No. 2 ranked Stanford. If that happens, Tia, they won’t be celebrating. They’ll be rushing in to perform CPR on your players.

We’re talking practice

All-Star starters Kobe Bryant and Allen Iverson said Thursday they will not play in Sunday’s game. Bryant is out with a sore left ankle. Iverson bolted when he learned the East team was going to practice.

CURVE BALLS

The wild and wacky news from the world of sports …

Rain, rain everywhere

The Canadian government is providing $9 million in weather forecasting services for the 2010 Winter Olympics. If asked, The Closer could have provided the same results for half the price. Let’s see, winter in the Pacific Northwest? It’s going to be cloudy with a chance of rain. Check, please.

Maybe if you leave your broom at home they won’t bother you

Cheryl Bernard, captain of the Canadian women’s Olympic curling team, said that with the Games fast approaching she’s finding it difficult to go shopping without being hounded for autographs. Easy solution, Cheryl: shop in the U.S. No one will recognize you or your sport.

THE RUNDOWN

The opening ceremony for the 2010 Olympics is just hours away and everyone is wondering who will light the Olympic flame. Here are some of the Canadian celebrities who may — or may not — have been considered, along with their pros and cons:

Wayne Gretzky, hockey player. Pro: Greatest player in NHL history. Con: Has spent most of the past 22 years in the U.S. and looks more Hollywood than Hudson Bay.

Howie Mandel, game-show host: Pro: Can’t really think of one. Con: Would approach the cauldron, let the anticipation build, then pause for a commercial.

Jimmy Carrey, actor: Pro: No doubt would do something to make us laugh. Con: No doubt would do something to make us cringe.

Michael J. Fox, actor. Pro: Earns high marks for his courageous and public battle with Parkinson’s disease. Con: May be too short to reach the cauldron.

Dudley Do-Right, cartoon character. Pro: What’s more Canadian than a Mountie? Con: He’s a bit too one-dimensional.

Contact The Closer at inthebullpen@heraldnet.com.