The everyone must go edition

TODAY’S LINEUP

A daily look at the top five stories in this morning’s edition of The Herald

1. It’s OK to carry a torch for this girl

Lynnwood resident Kelly Tysland won’t be competing in Vancouver this winter, but that’s fine with her. Before she got married and took a new name, Tysland was Kelly Stephens, a member of the 2006 Olympic women’s hockey team that competed in Turin, Italy. She now works at a wellness center, which The Closer thinks should be the politically-correct name for a penalty box.

2. Saving the best for last, Part I

The word of the night was drama. The Silvertips battled from behind for most of their game against Kamloops, but the hard work paid off in the end. The Tips’ shootout win sent Comcast Arena into a frenzy, not to be outdone by …

3. Saving the best for last, Part II

The Washington women’s basketball team needed a little late heroics of its own on Wednesday night. Sami Whitcomb scored 15 points in the final 3 1/2 minutes, including the game-winning 3-pointer in the final seconds. She also took the keys to the team bus and carried her teammates back to their dorm rooms on her shoulders.

4. Somewhere in the Santa Cruz Mountains, Mike Holmgren is shuddering at the sound of the name

Steve Hutchinson is facing the Seahawks this weekend, reminding Seahawks fans how far this team has fallen. Why can’t the Vikings sign Julius Jones, Deion Branch and Jordan Babineaux to one of those “unmatchable” contracts?

THE WARMUP PITCH

We’d like to see what Wakamatsu could’ve done with Lackey, Torii and Vlad

One day after the Mariners’ Felix Hernandex got passed over for the Cy Young, Don Wakamatsu had to watch another AL West manager get a major award. The Angels’ Mike Scioscia and Colorado’s Jim Tracy took home manager-of-the-year honors. The Cub’s Lou Piniella has been named the most likely to soon be an ex-manager.

They also just realized that Al Davis might be old

The Oakland Raiders finally figured out what the rest of the world already knew: that JaMarcus Russell ain’t the answer. Bruce Gradkowski will replace Russell, who’s so embarrassed that he might be considering changing his name. May we suggest Tim Couch? David Carr?

Apparently, they’re too impatient to wait for Paul Wulff

The Buffalo Bills have reportedly started their search for Dick Jauron’s replacement, and some big names are starting to surface. Two coaches with Super Bowl rings are at the top of the Bills’ list. Even better, Shanahan and Cowher have lost Super Bowls, which is just how they like it in Buffalo.

Hey, at least these Irish don’t have to put up with Charlie Weis

A controversial call helped France tie Ireland in a key World Cup qualifier Tuesday. French star Thierry Henry doesn’t just mix up his first and last names; he also can’t tell his hands from his feet.

Now he’s developing a wrist shot … look out NHL

It’s been a bad week for Kings. First, King Felix gets snubbed for the Cy Young, and now King James hurt his wrist while dunking. The Closer hurt his wrist on a rim once, but I made the shot … successfully landing the used Kleenex in a nearby garbage can. As far as Lebron goes, he’s not supposed to miss any action because of the injury.

CURVE BALLS

The wild and wacky news from the world of sports …

Please … please … PLEASE let this be the end of this story

The runner that may or may not be a female was back in the news this week. He, uh, she, uh … the runner isn’t losing his, uh, her, uh … the medal that the runner won, but the international track people aren’t letting on as to whether he, uh, she is a him or a her. Can whatever it is just run away? Please?

And speaking of mug shots we’re tired of seeing …

Kansas football coach Mark Mangino continues to get grilled, and it’s the only first grill from which he has turned away.

Thanks for the offer, but the Browns don’t like world-class athletes

Lebron James wants to try his hand at football, offering to play for the Cleveland Browns, and it’s drawn the ire of a few NFL players. Jeremy Shockey is among them, saying that James is barely qualified to be on a practice squad. Oh, well. The Browns already have 53 practice squad players.

It saved them a lot of money on uniform letter stitching

The Minnesota Vikings put the full-court press on receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh during free agency, but they’re not crying about missing out on him. Think T.J. is kicking himself for moving out west instead of north?

THE RUNDOWN

The Buffalo Bills became the first NFL team that officially has a job opening for a head coach. Whether it’s Shanahan, Holmgren, Cowher or Billick, there are plenty of coaches out there with Super Bowl rings. But The Closer doesn’t like to state the obvious. Here are five guys the Bills would be wise NOT to hire:

5. Jerry Glanville: The guy’s certainly available. But the ex-Atlanta Falcons and, most recently, Portland State coach is a better fit for television than the sidelines. Besides, he’s have to get a fur-covered hat, and Buffalo doesn’t need any PETA protests outside Rich Stadium.

4. Bobby Petrino: Actually, this might be the perfect guy for an interim label. You hire him in a couple weeks, he coaches three games and skips town. But then you’re right back where you started.

3. The original Jim Mora: He certainly has been the best coach in his family, but the father of the Seahawks’ coach is so far removed from the game that when he says “Playoffs? Playoffs?”, it might be because he really can’t remember what those are.

2. Jeff Garcia: Like Glanville, he’s currently unemployed. But it’s safe to assume that his offensive play-calling would curiously leave out a receiver whose nickname sounds like a timeout. And without T.O., the Buffalo offense is … well, still just as bad.

1. Lane Kiffin: The more we hear from this guy, the more we’re starting to like Al Davis. His act has already grown tired in football-mad Knoxville, and the fans in Buffalo would have him skewered and covered in hot-wing sauce after only about a week or two.