Let’s gallop through the headlines:
“Horses smile and pout just like humans, study says”: Neigh, not exactly. Unlike humans, horses aren’t compelled to capture every facial expression, let alone every serving of hay, in a photo on their phones. Like humans, however, they can whinny with the best of them. (And inspired the phrase “long face.”)
“Badger recovering in shelter after being found drunk on Polish beach”: This was the real thing, not a student from the University of Wisconsin — Madison. So there’s no drunken evidence trail of the night of debauchery on Instagram, again indicating areas in which animals exhibit superior intelligence by not documenting their dumbness.
“Putin tries to claim the North Pole. Can he do that?”: Well, he’s doing it — trying to claim it — so yes he can. But the United Nations may not give him the OK. Which of course won’t necessarily stop him. So let’s get the finest international animal rights attorney to file an ownership claim of the North Pole on behalf of all the arctic animals living here, and Santa and his crew. Join the No North Putin Pole protest.
“Chinese police seize 5300 bottles of “health” liquor laced with Viagra”: Since it’s in China, the Viagra is probably a counterfeit version to boot. But it’s a positive sign, if it means people seeking an aphrodisiac that actually works, and doesn’t involve the killing and eating of an endangered animal, for whatever supposed medical benefit.
“?‘Right to be forgotten’ online could spread”: But if it’s successful, how would we know? (Speaking of which, sort of, doesn’t the 21st century, and the “Internet of Things,” require that new episodes of “The Twilight Zone” be made? Please?)
“Keith Richards thinks Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper is ‘rubbish’?”: Did he just wake up, “Rip Van Winkle” style? Keith, what year is it?
“Jeb Bush campaign store selling $75 guacamole bowl”: Which will pair perfectly with Whole Foods limited edition $6 Asparagus Infused Water.
“Do we really want Amazon’s drones to swarm our skies?” This article must have been recommended for me! Thank you for asking! No, we do not.
“Hitchhiking robot that made it across Canada maimed on U.S. road trip”: Hey, welcome to the U.S.! Bam! Pow! Zap! According the Los Angeles Times: “HitchBot, a talking robot built by Canadian researchers, was found maimed and battered beyond repair last weekend in Philadelphia. It was trying to hitchhike from Massachusetts to California by relying on the kindness of human drivers. Hitchhiking took HitchBot across the length of Canada and most of Germany and the Netherlands.”
The problem, of course: Relying on the kindness of human (American) drivers. Robot rage, road rage, it’s all the same. Poor HitchBot, who was last heard mumbling, “Good day, eh?” never stood a chance on our mean streets.
Employ the phrase “giddy-up” in non-equine situations this week. (But not in a mean way, like “Giddy-up, HitchBot!”)
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com.
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