Coping with distress: How to defeat those self-defeating behaviors

Do you ever wonder why you did something that conflicted with your goals?

You want to be fit, but you can’t seem to get to the gym. You want to lose weight, but sometimes you eat everything in sight. You want to cut back on your drinking, but you find yourself drinking more.

You vow not to lose your temper, but despite your oath, you pop your cork at your youngster. You pledge to do things right away, but you find yourself procrastinating. You promise yourself to try something new, but you’re stuck in a rut.

Sometimes, we can be our own worst enemy. The goal is to figure out how to become our own best friend. It’s not just that unhealthy habits get in the way of developing new habits. We can be the victim of “self-defeating” behaviors.

One cause of these self-defeating behaviors is how we learn to cope with distress. It starts at an early age.

Sarah is frustrated, and mom gives her a sweet to eat. Voila! She’s suddenly happy. Charlie can’t fall asleep at night. Dad lies down next to him until Charlie is sound asleep.

Young children experience distress regularly, and when they’re young, they rely on their parents to help them feel better. But at some point, they must learn how to tolerate discomfort and withstand frustration and how to make themselves feel better.

Let’s face it: we live in an instant-gratification society. We want to have our needs met instantly. We want our frustrations to evaporate immediately. We want a pill or a potion for anything that makes us suffer. We want results. And we want them now.

We have learned how to make ourselves feel better but not necessarily how to soothe ourselves and cope with discomfort or disappointment. So, what can we do differently? How can we help our kids learn how to manage frustration and discomfort? How can we learn how to cope with feeling bad?

Even young children can learn to tolerate uneasiness. Don’t rush to instantly solve their problem or to help them feel better.

I remember when our first daughter was born, she had day and night confused. She was up most of the night and slept most of the day. Our pediatrician, who wasn’t a parent himself, warned us, “Don’t let her cry.” After two weeks of agony, we realized that we had to let her cry herself to sleep. Huddled in our bedroom, we listened to her cry for what seemed like an eternity. Ten minutes later, she was sound asleep.

Let children, when they can, find their own solutions to problems. Don’t rush to intervene and make it all better. Help kids find their own answers and provide them with choices that may help them feel better. When Cindy is upset, suggest a hot bath, listening to soothing music, or coloring.

Don’t use food or gifts to help kids feel better. This can be counterintuitive. Don’t we want our kids to feel better? But then consider, they will learn that eating sweets is the way to make frustration, sadness, or anger disappear. Not a good model for a healthy adult life.

Find new ways to cope with discomfort yourself. Notice when you’re feeling frustrated, sad, angry or bad. Acknowledge to yourself how you are feeling. Then, take a few breaths. And then, ask yourself how you would like to deal with your feelings. What would you like to do?

When you take a moment to experience your feelings and consider your alternatives, you may find yourself doing something new.

Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library.html.